Patsy Porco

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Merry Christmas Season

In Christmas, Christmas Season, Humor on December 29, 2015 at 4:36 pm

As our pastor, Rev. Michael Boccaccio, points out every year, “Christmas is not a day, it’s a season.” The Christmas season traditionally starts on Christmas Day and ends on the Feast of the Epiphany (or Little Christmas in some parts of the world), which falls on January 6, the day the Wise Men showed up at the stable in Bethlehem.

Partridge in a Pear TreeA song was even written to commemorate “The 12 Days of Christmas.” For the life of me, I can’t figure out if you’re not supposed to count Christmas Day as one of the 12 days, or the Epiphany. If you count them both, then you have the 13 days of Christmas, which is just wrong.

Father Boccaccio told us that the Christmas season has been extended in the Catholic Church and it now officially draws to a close on the day that Jesus was baptized. That date varies from year to year, and can extend to January 15 or so. He insists that no Christmas trees or decorations can be taken down until that day. He threatens to make surprise visits to our homes to check that our decorations are still up after January 1, but we all know that he won’t visit, just like he knows that our trees will be long gone before the middle of January.

Now, let’s return to the Epiphany and those Wise Men. I’ve always had a problem with that story. Mary and Joseph were on their way from Nazareth to Bethlehem to register for Emperor Augustus’ mandatory census when Jesus was born. Penalties for disobeying the emperor were undoubtedly stiff back then, so I imagine Joseph bundled Mary and Jesus up shortly after Jesus’ birth and hustled them out of the stable and off to the census bureau.

I don’t see them staying in a stable for 12 days. And even if the landlord did let them linger awhile, it probably took those Wise Men from the general area known as “the East” longer than 12 days to get there. They were following a star, and stars are only visible at night, so they would have had to take the days off to wait for nightfall … and to shop for gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

nativity_Depending on how far east they were, it could have taken them months, or years. But, if they were only a few miles east, they could have made it in time, star notwithstanding. However, nobody knows where they started from. I’ve heard stories that they showed up at Mary and Joseph’s house when Jesus was a toddler. Then again, the accepted story is that they were definitely at the stable at the same time that Jesus and His parents were.

This reminds me of David Sedaris’ story about the six to eight black men who accompany Santa on his rounds in Europe. He wondered why no one had gotten an accurate count over several centuries.* I personally wonder why the whole Wise Men story is so vague, when the other details of Jesus’ birth were documented so clearly. A visiting priest to our parish complicated the story further by saying that there was no mention of three Wise Men in the Bible; only three gifts were noted. That means that any number of Wise Men could have been there bearing three gifts. Or maybe only the three best gifts were mentioned and the Diaper Genie and bottle sterilizer were left out.

Here’s another question: Did the Wise Men reach the stable during the 12 days of Christmas? And why is the revised end of the Christmas season on the day of Jesus’ baptism — which occurred 30 years or so after His birth? The wise men had to have arrived by then, so I suppose that’s a safe date to use.

Using that logic, however, we should never be allowed to take down our trees.

Wise Men

*http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/sedaris/

 

I Yam Not Amused

In Holidays, Humor on December 18, 2015 at 5:57 pm

This week, I was in a gift exchange at work. It was the type known as “White Elephant,” “Yankee Swap,” and probably by many other names. I personally think of it as “Cutthroat Gift Exchange,” because a person can steal the gift you chose rather than choose from the pile.

I had been in a similar exchange before, and while the rules differed a bit, the outcome was the same: your gift wasn’t safe until the game ended. I appreciate that twist because it adds a ruthless component to the mix, which can’t help but result in good feelings all around.

We had a maximum spending limit of $10. With a limit so low, even if your gift was stolen and you really wanted it, you could easily go buy it for yourself. So, the risk of hard feelings was minimal. Or so I thought.

I admit that I broke the spending rule. I bought a $4 flask (on sale) and a $10 pint of Johnny Walker Red. I had to spend the $10 on the scotch because the flask had “Whiskey is my spirit animal” written across the front of it. A bottle of wine wouldn’t make sense with that flask, and there simply wasn’t a decent whiskey to be had for less than $10 at the store I went to. That was fine with me, though. I was willing to settle for a $10 gift in exchange for my $14 one (actual retail price $20).

I was glad that I had spent a little extra. A lot of people wanted it, and it was stolen several times during the game. The gift I received, however, was not stolen even once.

Nobody wanted a sweet potato.

Gift Exchange 2015.

 

 

‘Tis the Season to Thank Your Boss

In Christmas, Christmas, Holidays, Humor on December 18, 2015 at 2:08 pm

Don’t you just hate it when you’ve given someone a present and the person doesn’t even bother to acknowledge that it was received? It’s especially hurtful if you’ve put a lot of thought or money into the gift. But, even if you’ve remembered a person at the last minute and emailed him or her a Walmart gift card, you still think you deserve to be thanked, right?

Now, I know that anyone who is reading this is thinking, “Yeah! I hear ya sister!” or something similar, using the current vernacular. You then continue the thought: “If so-and-so doesn’t thank me this year, he/she is OFF my list!” Of course, if you actually don’t send a present to so-and-so, then you will definitely hear from that person, or his or her mother, or even your mother. It’s odd how people always remember to complain.

By now, I probably have you really worked up. You’re probably thinking, “How dare they get angry with me for not sending a gift to someone who can’t even pick up the phone or send me an email?” Damn straight. You would never be so inconsiderate.

Or would you? How often does your boss give you paid days off? Sure, the government might mandate that certain days are paid holidays, but the government isn’t the one paying you to not work. And do you ever directly thank the person who is paying you? Hmmm.

Why don’t we thank our bosses? I work in a very small company and find it strange that we will all gladly accept our Christmas vacation days, and attend the holiday party, yet not acknowledge the person who provided these perks.

It might not be feasible to thank the CEO of the huge conglomerate you work for, but if your supervisor lets you leave early the day before a holiday, shouldn’t you say “Thank you”? And, if you work in a small company, isn’t it downright inexcusable not to thank your CEO, who sits nearby, for your paid company holidays?

We thank people all the time for little courtesies. So, how can we ignore the big ones? I suggest that we all thank our bosses now, before we’re the ones who are off the list next year … or on the naughty list.

And, in this season of goodwill toward men, it’s the perfect time to be grateful and gracious. And if your coworkers disagree, do it anyway … and screw ’em.

Naughty or Nice

 

(This post is an edited version of my Thanksgiving post.)

The Penicillin Solution

In Gun Control, Guns, Humor, Mass killings, Solution on December 4, 2015 at 4:12 pm

I don’t think anyone believes that the Second Amendment will be repealed or amended, despite what they might hope. The real issue is: Should people have to register to buy a gun and have a background check before buying one?

One fear is that the government will have a list of everyone in the country who owns a gun. This is dangerous information for a government to have. The answer, I think, is to encourage EVERY willing adult citizen to have a background check and receive a license to buy a legal gun (no AK-47s or assault rifles) if he/she passes. The government would then have a list of approved gun owners that would include a majority of Americans. (Convicted felons would be crazy to sign up for a background check, and those with mental health issues who wish to keep them private would most likely not sign up for a background check, either. People with no issues would also be on the list of non-licensed people, so profiling opportunities from this list would be limited.)

If a person doesn’t want a gun, he/she doesn’t have to buy one, despite having a license. Nobody would know whether a licensed person owned a gun, because there would be no requirement to register legal guns when they were purchased. This way, most of the country will be assumed to be armed.

Criminals will think twice about robbing homes and stores. Anyone who doesn’t have a license to carry and is caught carrying would go to jail. Anyone who is caught selling his/her gun to an unlicensed person would go to jail. Anyone who is licensed and who is later convicted of a crime would have his/her license revoked and his/her guns confiscated. And, there should be monetary rewards given to people who report those illegally carrying. Just an idea.

I call this The Penicillin Solution: fighting the problem with the problem.

(The downside is that domestic shootings might increase. I’ll let someone else solve this problem. I don’t need all of the glory.)

fort-mchenry-395297_1280

Cannon at Fort McHenry (Cannons probably won’t be allowed under The Penicillin Solution, though.)

 

Thanks, Boss!

In Humor, Thanksgiving on November 25, 2015 at 3:54 pm

Thanksgiving-Pictures-Free-3

Don’t you just hate it when you’ve given someone a present and the person doesn’t even bother to acknowledge that it was received? It’s especially hurtful if you’ve put a lot of thought or money into the gift. But, even if you’ve remembered a person at the last minute and emailed him or her a Staple’s gift card, you still think you deserve to be thanked, right?

Now, I know that anyone who is reading this is thinking, “Yeah! I hear ya sister!” or something similar, using currently used language. You continue the thought: “If so-and-so doesn’t thank me this year, he/she is OFF my list!” Of course, if you actually don’t send a present to so-and-so, then you will definitely hear from that person, or his or her mother, or even your mother. It’s odd how people always remember to complain.

By now, I probably have you really worked up. You’re probably thinking, “How dare they get angry with me for not sending a gift to someone who can’t even pick up the phone or send me an email?” Damn straight. You would never be so inconsiderate.

Or would you? How often does your boss decide that the day before a company-paid holiday, and the company-paid day-after-the-holiday, should become a company-paid half-day-off? Or how often does your boss give you a holiday off, and sometimes the day after it? Sure, the government might mandate that certain days are paid holidays, but the government isn’t the one paying you to not work. And do you ever directly thank the person who is paying you? Hmmm.

Why don’t we thank our bosses? I work in a very small company and find it strange that we will all gladly take a half-day off today, and a whole day off on Thanksgiving and the day after, and not acknowledge the person who provided our bounty. If I were my boss, I’d be angry enough to start throwing office furniture at my employees.

It might not be feasible to thank the CEO of the huge conglomerate you work for, but if your supervisor lets you leave early the day before a holiday, shouldn’t you say “Thank you”? And, if you work in a small company, isn’t it downright inexcusable not to thank your CEO, who sits across the room or in a nearby office?

We thank people all the time for little courtesies. So, how can we ignore the big ones? I suggest that we all thank our bosses now, before we’re the ones who are off the list next year.

Do the right thing, Pilgrim. Don’t be a turkey.

 

 

People Can Change … But Not Always For the Better

In Humor on November 15, 2015 at 2:49 am

I used to be an excessively, compulsively clean person. All of my clothes were worn once, and then washed, dried, and ironed. My apartments were always impeccable: the windows gleamed with cleanliness; the carpets were vacuumed and hand-raked; the furniture was dusted; everything was in its place. Dirt was not welcome in my home.

Back when I was single, I ran into a guy I briefly dated and he said that I had pulled out my vacuum cleaner when he dropped a crumb on my carpet. I didn’t remember doing this, but it didn’t seem out of character. I do remember, in my husband’s and my first house, having my childhood friend visit and I vacuumed the rug immediately after we ate. She turned to my son and asked if he had inherited this idiosyncrasy. He assured her that he had not. I vouched for that.

Despite the comments, I didn’t fret about my compulsion. I was a neat-freak, and that was that. My fastidiousness earned the respect of my mother-in-law. She told anyone and everyone that her daughter-in-law kept a very clean house. That was a great compliment coming from her; her house glistens.

Then, one day, I changed. Drastically. I suspect that it was when we moved from a five-room, one-story house into a house with two floors and a finished basement. For awhile, we had a housecleaner, so appearances were kept up. Then, in an effort to tighten the family belt, I decided that we would all clean the house instead of paying a person to do it. I don’t remember if we ever actually did clean the house together. We certainly don’t now. Rooms get cleaned when it’s obvious that they should be either tidied up or burned down.

Then one day, I found myself smelling the socks I had worn the day before to determine if I could get another day out of them. This soon led to sniffing tops and jeans. I did draw the line at underwear; that line was drawn in the dust on the floor.

Recently, my mother-in-law visited our home and pulled my son aside. “This house is clean,” she whispered. “Who cleaned it?” Knowing that she would not approve of our hiring a housecleaner, despite my working full time, he said that he did. By this point, I had fallen so low in her estimation that she was willing to believe him. “Good,” she said. “Someone has to.”

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

On Veterans … One in Specific

In Humor, Veteran's Day on November 11, 2015 at 4:44 pm

Veteran's Day photo

A number of years ago, when she was still alive, a neighbor, Assunta, told me something about Veteran’s Day. She was very old even back then, having been born three years before World War I started. It was during a visit to her house that she mentioned Veteran’s Day, in the middle of a very long monologue during which my attention went in and out. Whenever I visited her, she talked and I listened, or prayed that she would stop talking. That isn’t very charitable, so I don’t expect any credit in Heaven for those visits, but the facts are the facts.

Anyway, somehow Veteran’s Day came up, and she said that, as a child, she learned that “On the eleventh hour and eleventh minute of the eleventh day of the eleventh month,” people were supposed to do something. Probably say a prayer, or remember or think about the war or the men who fought in it. I think I stopped listening after the dramatic, “On the eleventh hour and eleventh minute …” recitation. That was interesting to me.

As I write this, at the fifteenth hour and fifty-sixth minute of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, I realize that I missed my chance today to do something at that exact time. However, I can still think about the veterans, of all wars, for the rest of the day. There are plenty of men and women who are fighting for our freedom right now, or are fighting personal battles and demons that resulted from their defense of our country. They probably aren’t going to care when I think about and pray for them (or whatever I’m supposed to be doing). In fact, screw the rules; I’m going to think of them any time I damn well please.

Which brings me to a funny story. It’s a third-hand story from my sister, Veronica, who heard it from my father, a veteran of the Korean War. When I was growing up, my father didn’t share many stories of his past with his kids. All that I knew about him was that he was engaged to Miss Rheingold,* a beauty queen for a beer company, before he married my mother. I also knew that he worked as a salesman for Pennzoil.

My father’s reticence ended, however, in the year before he died. In fact, he became a little manic about telling all of his stories. Veronica lived at home at the time so she was often his audience of one. She heard riotous stories from him, which came as a shock to me because I had always considered my father to be a stalwart, disciplined man who “brooked no nonsense,” as they said back in the day (not my day, or even his, actually. I’m currently reading historical fiction set in the 1700s and have picked up a few new, but dated, expressions).

In any event, one of the stories that he told Veronica left me speechless (unlike Assunta). She said that my father, who was a sergeant stationed in Germany** during the Korean War, was initially placed in the radio unit. His job was to send locations, via code, to troops. He must have been thrown on the job without any training because, on one occasion, he dutifully tapped out the code of the site where some troops were expected, but he got the code wrong and they all wound up at the wrong place. According to Veronica, my father found this story to be hilarious. It was a very funny story, since his actions didn’t result in anyone dying, but I was mystified. My father was not one to appreciate half-assed work; in fact, if you were the half-assed worker, you’d probably wind up with half an ass to sit on. His favorite saying was, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well,” and he said it all the time. Maybe that’s why he kept this story, and a wealth of other very funny ones involving his questionable behavior, to himself.

I wish he had shared this part of himself earlier. But at least he eventually did. I love you, Dad. Happy Veteran’s Day to you and to all of the veterans of all of the wars that were fought to preserve our lives, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

I think my father was duped. I looked up the names of all of the Miss Rheingolds and there was nobody named Joan on the list. Maybe she was a contestant. Maybe. (http://missrheingold.com/history/)

** I never understood why he was in Germany, when the war was being fought in Korea. Maybe he was teaching a radio code class.

Martian Magic

In Humor, Technology on August 22, 2015 at 5:42 pm

martian dollWhen I was in elementary school, my fifth-grade teacher, Mr.(Kenneth) Sheinen, held up a clear, plastic, Bic ballpoint pen and asked the class to explain to a Martian, in writing, what it was, and what it was used for. He told us that we had to consider that the Martian had just landed on Earth and everything on our planet was foreign to him (of course it was a him; it was 1970, and times weren’t yet a-changin’* in Northeast Philadelphia).

Mr. Sheinen wanted us to describe every aspect of the pen: what it was made of, what filled the clear tube inside the pen, what the pointed tip of the pen did, how the caps were used and why, etc.

At the time, I remember thinking that, to a Martian, a ballpoint pen would appear to be magical. While we knew that they had cool stuff, like spaceships, antennas, bulging eyes, and green skin, they certainly didn’t have ballpoint pens. After all, who would want to write in Martian?

Looking back, I’m sure that Mr. Sheinen gave us this complicated project just to get some quiet time. Or, maybe he actually wanted to learn about Bic pens, his being a Martian and all.

This got me to thinking about what we perceive as magic. If I happened to time-travel from the 1700s into today’s world, I would be ready to burn everyone as witches. How could I, as an 18th-century person, not think that computers, cell phones, GPS, television, radio, streaming video and audio, Skype, and on and on, weren’t magic, and probably black magic? So much of what we use and create is invisible.

Centuries from now, when our civilization is excavated by archaeologists, what will they make of all the flat black boxes of varying sizes that they find in every house, and next to every skeleton? They won’t know about the satellites we relied on to make them work, or the electricity we used to power them. It would be fun to hear them speculate about their use.

Every thousand years or so, civiizations and their secrets disappear. That’s why I don’t understand why we marvel at the building of pyramids and the other wonders of our world. Everyone has seen drawings of the building of the pyramids, and they always include ropes hoisting slaves up each level to continue the job of building. Why? If we’ve harnessed the invisible powers of magnetism, electricity, sound, space, etc., for our needs, why do we not consider that Egyptians might have used the power of the mind, the body, or something else?

It does seem that once certain secrets of the universe have been discovered and utilized by a civilization, that society’s days are numbered. And once it’s gone, most of its knowledge is erased. The next group starts from scratch, just like poor Sisyphus, the Corinthian king who was doomed to rolling a huge boulder up a hill, watching it roll down again, and beginning again, forever.

This reminds me of Mr. Sheinen’s essay. Every time we handed our composition in to him, he said that it wouldn’t make sense to a Martian, so we started over. I hope that he finally learned how to use his Bic pen.

Bic pen

*The Times They Are a-Changin’, a song by Bob Dylan, 1964

Monk(ey) Business

In Humor, Manhattan, New York City on August 13, 2015 at 2:18 am

When I woke up today at 7:25 a.m., I figured I’d get dressed, go to the train station, where I’d buy an iced coffee, and then take the 8:36 train to Grand Central Station, which would get me to my office by 10 o’clock. That’s how my mornings usually go. However, the coffee place was closed when I got to the station, which meant I wouldn’t have any caffeine in my system until I got to work. It was a long ride.

It was an even longer walk to my job. The street I work on, West 38th Street, between Fifth and Sixth avenues, has a very narrow sidewalk due to the scaffolding on both sides of it. There’s only room for two people at a time: one walking east and one walking west. As I walked westward, a small, bald, Asian man in a gray robe came toward me. He didn’t pass me, though; he walked directly up to me, crashing into my personal space.

He faced me, nose-to-nose, and handed me a shiny gold card on which was printed, “Work Smoothly, Lifetime Peace” on one side. The other side featured a Buddhist goddess. Then he flipped open a book, handed me a pen, and said, “Sign.” Not having the sense to do otherwise, I signed my first name under the list of names that were already there. I handed him his pen back and he said, “Write ‘Peace.'”

“What?” I asked.

“Write ‘Peace,'” he said, stabbing a finger at a column to the right of where I had written my name. I saw that earlier inscribers had all written “Peace,” so I took the pen and wrote “Peace.”

I started to walk past him and he blocked my way. “Donation,” he said. “Write donation.” Again he handed me the book. Next to the “Peace” column was a space for writing the amount of your contribution.

I gave the book back to him. “You want a donation?” I asked. He hadn’t even told me what he was collecting for.

“Donation,” he said. “Donation. Donation. Donation.”

I vaguely remember thinking, “Oh for God’s sake. How did I fall for this?” I wasn’t a tourist, after all. I’ve worked and lived in Manhattan on and off during twenty years. I knew enough to skirt the scammers. But due to my coffee-free blood, he had managed to ensnare me. I was very annoyed … both at him, and at myself.

But, because he wasn’t going to let me pass until I gave him money, I resignedly dug in my wallet, intending to give him a few dollars. The smallest bill I had was a $5 bill, so I held it up. He snatched it from me and said, “No. Twenny dollahs. Twenny dollahs. Twenny dollahs.”

“What?” I said. “I’m not giving you twenty dollars.”

He blocked my passage. Then he slid a wooden beaded bracelet on my wrist. “Twenny dollahs. Twenny dollahs. Twenny dollahs,” he repeated.

“Are you out of your mind?” I asked. “I am not giving you twenty dollars.”

“Ten dollahs,” he said. “Ten dollahs. Ten dollahs.” Then he reconsidered. “No, twenny dollahs. Twenny dollahs.”

“You know what?” I asked. “I’m not giving you anything. Give me back my five dollars.” I reached out and tried to grab the five-dollar bill from his hand. He held on tight. He pulled the bill one way. I pulled it the other way. “Give it to me,” I yelled. I didn’t look around to see if we were attracting attention. Probably not. New Yorkers tend to look away when they see middle-aged women wrestling with monks.

“Twenny dollahs,” he yelled as he tried to get me to release the five dollars.

“Give me my money!” I yelled as I pulled on the bill.

He ripped the money from my grasp. “Fine,” he shouted. Then he hustled down the street, away from me.

Heart pounding and blood pressure peaking, I continued down the street to work. By the time I got there, I no longer needed coffee.

*********************************************************

https://www.facebook.com/FakeMonksInHongKong

Saturation Point

In Humor on August 7, 2015 at 1:38 am

This past week, the entire world mourned the death of Cecil the lion, who was killed in Zimbabwe by a dentist from Minnesota. The dentist had to close his practice and go into seclusion as “the hunter became the hunted.” I didn’t make that clever phrase up. Every media outlet is using it, or ones like it, including “the hunter has become the prey.”

I understand the outrage; the glory days of the great white hunters, like Hemingway, are long gone. On Facebook, one guy went so far as to say “Well, at least Hemingway shot himself.” That was a little cold.

The ramifications of the dentist’s action are far from over. He’s in hiding, his home was defaced, his address has been publicized, he’s being vilified in the press, he’s facing possible extradition to Zimbabwe to face trial, and he probably won’t practice dentistry for a long while, if ever.

This whole uproar annoyed my brother, Gus. When I asked him what he thought about it, he got a little riled and said, “I don’t have time to worry about this nonsense. I’ve got plenty of my own to worry about.”

To lighten the mood, we watched a comedy, the Republican Presidential Debate. Thankfully nobody mentioned Cecil.

*******************************************************************************

A Zimbabwean’s opinion on the matter: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/05/opinion/in-zimbabwe-we-dont-cry-for-lions.html

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