Patsy Porco

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Who’s The Brat?

In Humor on July 25, 2015 at 2:33 pm

When my younger brother, Gus, was in second grade, his teacher gave his class an assignment to write about their families. Gus’s essay went something like this: “Patsy is a brat. Rick is a brat. Monica is a brat. Peter is a brat. Veronica is a brat.” I don’t think he mentioned Victoria since she was still an infant and hadn’t had a chance to annoy him yet. His teacher read the essay and wrote across the top, “Who’s the brat?” My parents thought that this was the funniest thing ever, and “Who’s the brat?” became a saying in our family.

Tonight, my husband and I went to the Mets game, as guests of his friend, Don, and his wife, Annie. I had met Don before and liked him a lot. I had never met Annie. This was my first time at Citi Field and I was very excited to be there. It was a perfect evening for a ballgame, balmy and warm. When we arrived, I sat next to Annie, who sat next to Don, who sat next to my husband.

Don and my husband, who hadn’t seen each other for awhile, had a lot of catching up to do, so while they talked, Annie and I got to know each other. My husband and Don had a marvelous time reminiscing about what must have been hilarious things. Annie and I, however, had a harder time of it. It seemed to me that she took offense at everything I said. I spent a lot of time explaining that she had misunderstood me, and apologizing.

Halfway through the game, Don and Annie said they were going to visit their good friends, who were also at the game. They said they wouldn’t be long. As soon as they left, my husband asked me how I like Annie.

“Well,” I said, “she’s difficult to get along with. I tried so hard to be pleasant, but she kept misinterpreting everything I said and taking offense.”

“What did she misinterpret?” my husband asked.

“For instance,” I said, “When she told me that she was an actor, I asked if I might have seen her on TV. She said that she had recently been on episodes of ‘Blue Bloods’ and ‘The Black List.’ I told her that we were huge fans of ‘The Black List’ and never missed an episode, so we must have seen her.”

“Oh wow,” said my husband. “What was her role?”

“She said that she had played a waitress. And she said that, between takes, she spent a lot of time in her trailer. I asked her if she shared her trailer with other actors.”

“And?” my husband asked.

“Well, for some reason, my question annoyed her.” I said. “She gave me an irritated look and said that no, she had her own trailer. So I asked why someone who probably appeared in the episode for 30 seconds got her own trailer. She got really frustrated then.”

“You said what?” my husband asked.

“I was honestly curious,” I responded. “But then she turned her head and started ignoring me.”

“She ignored you?”

Uh huh,” I said, “So I explained that I thought only the stars got their own trailers. She finally turned around and said, very snippily, that all of the principals in a show got trailers. So I asked her how an actress who played a waitress could be considered a principal.”

My husband stared at me. “What did she say?”

“She got really huffy at this point,” I said. “She said that to get the role, they auditioned at least 50 people, and that I wasn’t understanding that her role was important to the show, which made her a principal, as opposed to an extra. That comment ticked me off because I had told her earlier that I had registered with Central Casting to be an extra. She stressed that she had never worked as an extra.”

“Yes,” said my husband, “But you’ve never actually been called by any casting director to be in a show, so I don’t think she was comparing herself to you.”

“Oh,” I said. “I think she was.”

“But you’re not an actor, and she is,” he said, rather unreasonably.

“We’re getting off-point here,” I said.

“So what is the point?” he asked.

“The point is that I apologized profusely and told her that I was in awe of her, which I wasn’t, but I said it just to be nice.”

“Uh huh,” he said. “Then what happened?”

“Well, after I told her that I admired her, she said, ‘Good.’ And then she and Don went off to meet their friends. When they get back, I’m going to try to overlook anything negative she might say.”

“That she might say?” my husband asked. He stared out at the field and looked like he saw something amusing.

Shortly after our conversation about Annie’s prickliness, Don returned. He was on the other side of my husband and they immediately started talking again. I tried to catch Don’s eye, but he never looked my way. Annie never came back. I suppose she was uncomfortable about how she treated me.

I think we all know who the brat was in this situation.

Intentional Singing

In Humor on July 22, 2015 at 6:48 pm

Years and years ago, I remember Kathie Lee Gifford making up a song about her needing a change, and then singing it on her show, “Live! with Regis and Kathie Lee.” I remember it because, as much as I liked Kathie Lee, I hated that song. It was really terrible, almost as awful then as Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” is today.

I love Taylor and her music, but that song must have been dashed off in a fit of pique. It sounds like a derisive chant you’d hear on an elementary school playground.

Anyway, not long after Kathie Lee debuted her song, she announced that she was leaving the show. And right after Taylor sang her song, everybody found out that it was written about Katy Perry and her theft of Taylor’s backup dancers. I don’t know what the repercussions were after Katy heard that song, but bad blood was probably the least of them.

But back to me. My life currently needs a good shaking-up, so I’ll need to write a song to announce my intentions. I’m not yet sure exactly what I want to change, but that shouldn’t delay my work on my song. I’ll just leave a lot of blanks and fill them in when I know the who-what-where-when-whys.

I’m also looking to start a feud with someone so I can compose a revenge song. I started a few arguments recently, but I always felt remorseful and apologized. Maybe my song should be about people who pissed me off in the past but to whom I apologized out of guilt. I could even say that I wasn’t really sorry. I think this song is writing itself.

Because no radio station or talk show is going to air my horrible songs, I’m going to have a very limited audience, unless I locate the customer-service microphone at Walmart, or call in to a sports-talk show under false pretenses and sing really fast before they hang up on me.

The Geriatric Theater Mafia

In Humor, New York City, Theater on July 3, 2015 at 2:24 am

Anyone in need of a con artist knows to head for New York City, where it’s a licensed profession. While I’ll probably get verbally pummeled for profiling, I’m still going to say that most NYC scammers are young and usually men, but sometimes they’re young women. At least that describes the ones you meet on the streets of the city. There are plenty of confidence men and women who wear expensive suits and dresses, but they don’t generally try to sell you junk bonds on the corner. You have to look a little harder to find them, usually in upscale office buildings. But, if you’re looking to be fleeced by a run-of-the-mill swindler, you shouldn’t have any problem locating one, especially in the more-touristy areas.

Street SignProfiling has its pitfalls, however. When you stereotype, you let your defenses down around those who fall outside what you expect. That’s how we fell prey to an elderly fraudster today. My brother, Gus, bought tickets to a production of Little Shop of Horrors, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Ellen Greene, for himself, my husband, son, and me, for today’s matinee at the City Center on 55th Street, between 6th and 7th Avenues.  

We got to the City Center minutes before the show started and joined the line of ticket holders. It was just Gus, my son, and me, because my husband hadn’t felt well and had stayed home. My son had suggested selling my husband’s ticket since he had seen tickets to this show selling online for up to ten times their face value. Gus, however, immediately nixed this idea, insisting that he positively did not want any involvement with haggling on the street, and he was especially horrified by the idea of having to sit next to a stranger we had just exploited.

So, when a well-dressed, elderly woman approached me and asked if I happened to have an extra ticket, I hesitated. I knew that Gus didn’t want to take advantage of anyone, but wouldn’t he want to recoup the ticket price? I decided to find out.

I got his attention and motioned toward the sweet old lady. “Gus, this woman wants to know if we have an extra ticket we could sell her.” Gus shot me an “I don’t believe you are asking me this after what I said earlier” look and then glanced at the woman. No doubt, he was thinking of our mother when he sighed and said, “Oh all right. Sell her the ticket.”

The woman looked delighted, at first. But then she assumed an I’m-living-on-a-fixed-income face.

“How much do you want?” she asked.

“Just face value, $25,” I said.

She grimaced. “Oh, no. That’s too much. Would you take $10?”

I looked at Gus, who had his mouth hanging open. “Um, no, I’m sorry,” I replied. “Thanks for your offer,” I turned away.

“How about $15,” she yelled at my back.

“No thank you,” I said. I was sorry I had gotten involved in this. I moved up in line, behind my son and Gus. A bony hand grabbed my arm. I turned and the woman asked, “$20?”

I looked helplessly at Gus. He rolled his eyes and said, “Fine.” Up ahead of us, a brisk ticket trade was ensuing with people raking in profits from their extra tickets, and here Gus was going to lose money.

The line was moving quickly, so it was imperative that the woman pay fast and close the deal. She got behind us in line and opened her purse which contained envelopes with money in them, each envelope designated for a particular expense. She pulled out the one that she used for ticket purchases (I’m guessing). Her envelopes must have struck a nerve with Gus because he said to her, “You can pay me $15.” She graciously thanked him and asked him to break a $20 bill or two a $10 bills.

By this time, we were at the door, being asked to present our tickets. Gus gave her the ticket and told her she could pay once Little Shop of Horrorswe were inside the theater. Probably because she was wedged between Gus and me, she didn’t take the ticket and run. Once inside, Gus located a $5 bill and finished the transaction, while I pretended to be looking at something interesting so as to not see the looks he was shooting  at me.

When we got to our seats, the woman, Rose, looked around the theater. “We go to every show,” she announced.

“Who’s ‘we’?” I asked.

Her eyes widened at her slip. “Oh, some people I know.”

“Did they come with you?” I asked.

“Uh, no,” she said.

“Are they in the theater now?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t know. It depends on whether they got tickets. But they probably did.”

No doubt they did. She was an excellent profiler; she spotted me as a patsy immediately. Her friends were probably just as skilled.

Indigo’s Indignity

In Humor, Lifestyles on June 28, 2015 at 2:59 am
rainbow flag abc7.com

abc7.com

Rainbow flags are being proudly waved all over our nation this weekend, in honor of LGBT Pride Month, but especially in celebration of Friday’s historical U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage in the United States. One injustice has been righted in our country. One remains, however, and it concerns the rainbow flag, the very symbol of LGBT pride.

Why is it composed of six colors instead of seven? Where’s indigo? Every elementary-school child has learned to use the mnemonic device, Roy G Biv, to recall the colors of the rainbow. Those colors are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Poor indigo has been discriminated against in this flag, and in many other rainbow representations.

To discover why the flag is missing one of its colors, I did a little research and found an article (see link below) that explained that the designer of the flag, San Francisco artist, Gilbert Baker, originally had it composed of all seven colors, as well as pink. He had to drop pink because it was hard to manufacture that color for some reason or other. Then he deleted indigo because he wanted an even number. Why? Is even better than odd? Is the U.S. flag queer for having 13 stripes? The logic of his decision escapes me.

The rainbow flag symbolizes inclusiveness and to deny indigo its place is hypocrisy, plain and simple. I demand the reinstatement of indigo! We must right this wrong. Let indigo out of the closet. Otherwise, proud flag wavers will be considered “one color short of a rainbow,” and, really, who wants that?

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/explainer/2012/06/rainbows_and_gay_pride_how_the_rainbow_became_a_symbol_of_the_glbt_movement_.html

We are Witnesses to History. Be Happy. Be Gay!

In culture, family, Humor, News & Current Events on June 26, 2015 at 12:02 pm

rainbow flagIsn’t it surprisingly wonderful when you discover that you’re thrilled about an occurrence that you didn’t know especially mattered to you? That’s how I feel today: surprisingly delighted.

There’s going to be a run on rainbow flags today. I’d love to get one, but where does one get one? I doubt Home Depot or Lowe’s carries them. If they have any sense, they’ll place large orders today.

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed. It is so ordered.”

— Last paragraph of Justice Kennedy’s opinion on the legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States, June 26, 2015

When my husband heard of the decision, he said, “Good, now gay men can share in the horrors of marriage.” “Gay women, too,” I amended.

Dog Days

In dogs, Humor, pets on June 24, 2015 at 11:03 pm

Our Golden Retriever, Rudy, got his summer shave today, and he is pissed. Because I am an American and speak American English, when I say “pissed,” I mean “angry.” I almost said “mad,” but he’s not a mad dog, as in crazy/rabid; he’s merely a livid dog.

If I were in the U.K. and spoke English English, then when I said that he was “pissed,” I would have meant that he was drunk. But I’m not, and he isn’t. If he were, it would be perplexing because the only dog bar in town, called “BarDog” to confuse PETA, is closed. While it took them awhile, PETA finally caught on (when one of their dogs tried to duck in for a cold one during his walk) and took action.

At BarDog’s subsequent auction, I was fortunate enough to win the “Dogs Playing Poker” photograph that had been blown up and hung waist-high, above the bar, which was very low, for obvious reasons. Dogs don’t sit on stools. This “Dogs Playing Poker” was original in that it was a photo of actual patrons playing poker, but again, they don’t sit on stools or on chairs, so it showed them the way they really play: by sprawling on the floor with cards in their mouths.

But, back to Rudy. This is his seventh year of being shaved, but he never gets used to it. He always comes home in a foul mood. Eventually he forgets that he had a haircut and everything goes back to normal. But in the meantime, he’s very unpleasant to be around. I would slip him a nip to cheer him up, since his watering hole is shuttered, but I’m afraid he’d tell his dog friends and one of them would have an owner who would object and then we’d be back to square one, except my square would be a cell.

So, until then, I guess he’ll live under the dining room table. His plan is to not come out until his hair grows back, but we all know how well that plan works. Rudy 06242015

Lost Youth … In a Bag

In Humor on June 20, 2015 at 4:41 pm

The other day, when I was looking for something in one of our junk drawers (whose numbers keep growing; it’s like they breed other junk drawers), I found a Ziploc bag of undeveloped film. I don’t know if “film” is even in the dictionary anymore, so you know that this bag has been around for awhile. Anyway, I told my 22-year-old son that I had found his missing youth. He suggested that I lose it again.Film

“I don’t want to see embarrassing pictures of myself!” he said.

“Why would they be embarrassing?” I asked.

“Because, they’re of when I was under 12,” he answered reasonably (to him, anyway). He knew that these photos were at least 10 years old because that is when we moved to the house we are in now, and he says he remembers unpacking the bag of film. He probably also remembers hiding it.

“Well, I’m developing these pictures.” I told him. “There’s a huge gap of years in your photo history.”

“My photo history? You mean those moldy pictures you keep in shoe boxes in the basement?”

“Yes, ” I said.

“And you’re going to put these new pictures in shoe boxes, too, and add them to the pile of boxes in the basement?”

“Of course. That’s where I keep your photo history.”

“Well, I guess nobody will ever see these pictures, so go ahead and get them developed,” he said, walking away.

“I will!” I yelled after him.

Now, if I can just find a place that still develops film.

Dirty Crooks

In Humor on April 3, 2015 at 12:24 am

I’m not sure when it started, but I’d say within the last 10 or 15 years. Before then, everyone coughed and sneezed into handkerchiefs or tissues. My father had cloth handkerchiefs. My mother, who did the laundry, hated those things.

My generation preferred tissues. Once in awhile, if a sneeze or cough came on quickly, you’d use your hands. And, if anyone saw you sneeze or cough into your hands, you would loudly announce that you would be back after you washed them. If nobody saw you, however, you were off the hand-washing hook.

Now, it’s all about the elbows. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, people are sneezing and gagging into the crooks of their elbows. And then they pull out sanitizer and clean their hands. How about cleaning those elbow crooks?

Think about it. How often do you wash your coat, jacket, sweater, or hoodie? Not every day, I’m sure. So, every time someone grabs your elbow, they’re getting a palm full of germs. If you make a habit of using your elbow to sneeze into, those germs have mated with previous germs and there’s a colony living in your elbow crease. And how do we combat this problem? We buy more Purell for our hands.

We must have the cleanest hands of any generation ever. That’s why I don’t understand why some people refuse to shake hands. You aren’t going to catch anything from someone’s hands, especially since you’ll sanitize your hands immediately after shaking. But, you won’t think twice about grabbing someone’s elbow, or hugging someone.

Until now, you’ve probably never worried about catching the plague from elbow grabbing, but now that I’ve alerted you to this scourge, I will offer a solution. I propose that we go back to carrying tissues, but the sanitizing kind. We should have one readily available at all times. Then, the next time a sneeze comes on, we’ll be ready. Immediately after sneezing into our elbow crooks, we can whip out a sanitized hand-wipe and decimate those germs. Not only will you have clean elbow joints, but you can say you wiped out a crook.

Tuesday Now Beats Monday for the Worst Day of the Week

In Aging, Humor on March 31, 2015 at 10:25 pm

I piled my purchases onto the counter at Walgreens. The female Indian cashier looked at me and sweetly said, in halting English, “I am embarrassed to ask you this, but are you 55?”

My stomach sunk to the floor. Because she was so nice, I moderated my tone when I answered, “Why? Do I look 55?”

“I am asking,” she answered, “because Tuesday is Senior Citizen Day and everyone 55 and over gets 10% off their purchases.” Without answering my question directly, she did answer it, which made my stomach sink even lower.

“No, I’m not 55!” I responded. She looked vaguely embarrassed, but not by much. She obviously thought that I was lying.

“I’m not going to be 55 for another …” I stopped to calculate.  “… 22 days,” I announced.

She smiled knowingly. Looking back, I’m certain that she was thinking, “Another 22 days, give or take …”

“Thank you,” she said. “Then, your total is $31.29.”

“Here you go,” I said, handing her the money. “And thanks for ruining my evening.”

She smiled and said, “You’re welcome. And be well.”

Best Husband Ever

In Humor on March 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

The following conversation really happened. Before writing about it, I stopped to put on some makeup.

Me: I’m going out to the store. Do I look okay to go out, without any makeup on?

Husband: You look fine.

Me: Really?

Husband: Yes. Just don’t look anyone in the face.

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