I have a theory that if you gave any man a ten-dollar bill in the morning and he never left the house all day, at the end of the day the ten dollars would still be in his pocket … in nickels, dimes, pennies, and quarters.
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Such a Deal!
In Humor on November 3, 2013 at 1:09 amI don’t usually write about recent events because my writing teachers at Ohio State told us not to include details that could date our prose. We were instructed to write stories that future generations could relate to. (I’m glad Jane Austen and Charles Dickens didn’t go to Ohio State.)
Despite my professors’ warning, this current event cannot be ignored: A woman moved into a Racine, Wisconsin, Marriott (for future readers: that’s a mid-price hotel that can be counted on for cleanliness and service) for nine years and moved out before she was evicted for her $28,000 bill. http://gma.yahoo.com/wisconsin-woman-kicked-hotel-9-years-210721001–abc-news-travel.html?vp=1
That is a little more than $3,100 per year. I hope somebody rich steps up to help her. But, more than that, I hope they have a vacancy. I’m packing up my things right now. You cannot live for that price anywhere else, even if you add in the cost of a rented refrigerator. That is less than my family pays for our mortgage payment and heating bill per month. And we certainly don’t get free cable, maid service, and ice.
When I was little, I said that I wanted to live in a hotel. Everyone laughed, as they cleaned their homes, filled their ice-cube trays, paid their mortgages, and stayed home because they couldn’t afford to get off their couches. Little did they know that the day would come when they could live almost for free and have endless disposable income, and lots of time to spend it.
Forget the good old days. Embrace the great new days and make a reservation at that Marriott in Wisconsin … for the rest of your life. http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/mkerw-racine-marriott
You will have to wear a cheese head once in a while and become a Green Bay Packers fan—but that’s a small price to pay, for a small price to pay to live.
Red or White with your Kibble?
In dogs, Humor on October 5, 2013 at 4:13 pmOur Golden Retriever, Rudy, likes wine.
Initially, I was worried about his newfound sophisticated taste because grapes are said to kill dogs, or at least make them sick. It turns out, though, that wine agrees with him. He even came back for seconds.
Before you call the ASPCA or the National Association of Vineyard Police, I’ll tell you what happened. The other day, red wine was accidentally spilled onto the kitchen floor and he lapped it up. Then he sat in front of me, very politely, on his haunches, which told me that wanted more.
He is a very nice, albeit very rude, dog who only uses manners when he wants cheese — and now, apparently, wine. He’ll also behave for a hunk of crusty bread.
Oh my God! My dog is French.
Dogging My Steps
In Humor on September 28, 2013 at 5:27 pmOur Golden Retriever, Rudy, has been following me around for the last hour. He’s always very interested when I do something new. I guess the only way to get rid of him is to put away the vacuum cleaner.
What Should I Do?
In Ethics, Humor, Poll on September 11, 2013 at 11:12 pm
The other day, I was talking to one of my sisters about an argument I was involved in at a recent family gathering.
I told her that I had totally lost my cool when a relative said something that I disagreed with. The result was a very loud yelling match.
This doesn’t happen often with me, and not in years. I usually suppress my anger and then vent all over my husband when we get home.
Lately, I’ve been venting all over whomever is annoying me.
My sister said that this was not acceptable behavior, unless it was happening because I’m getting older.
“You know how some older people have no filters?” she asked. “They say whatever comes into their heads no matter whom they offend. Maybe that’s happening to you.”
“I’m 53 years old,” I answered. “I’m not even eligible to apply for that license for another 27 years.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she said. “Well, I think you’d better find another way to deal with your temper. Why don’t you buy a mini water pistol and keep it in your purse? Then, when someone makes you angry, you can just whip it out and squirt him or her with water.”
“I imagine that would make the situation even worse,” I said.
“Nah,” she replied. “Do it when nobody’s looking and then deny any knowledge of what happened.”
“Yeah, that’s a great plan,” I said.
“How many handbags do you own?” she asked.
“Four everyday ones and three evening bags,” I said. “Why?”
“I think that you should get one for every bag you have, just so that you’re always prepared,” she answered.
After a good laugh, we moved on to other topics.
Two days later, I received a package. Inside the box were 12 colorful mini water pistols.
My husband asked what I was going to do with a dozen water pistols. I told him my sister’s idea. He shook his head and walked away, never suspecting that I might actually take her suggestion seriously.
I am now faced with an ethical question … would it be wrong …
… to buy five more handbags to accommodate the five extra water pistols?
My Son, the Photo Bomber
In Humor on September 9, 2013 at 4:40 pmMy son is nuts … and I am so proud. He’s a great young man, mostly due to my husband’s role modeling, but I can see my influence, on the odd occasion.
Most people would say that he is quiet and introverted. And he is, in public. But, once in a while, he publicly does something so outrageous, just to amuse himself, that outsiders are flabbergasted. I absolutely love this quality in him. And, I’m fairly sure he got it from me.
The other day, he went into Manhattan alone to attend a Fan Fest for a sports team. When he returned, he told me that it was a fun event. He added that he had especially enjoyed the trip itself.
“Why?” I asked.
“When I was at Grand Central, I photo bombed a bride and groom,” he said. He looked a little sheepish, but mostly gleeful.
“What did you do?” I asked, amazed.
“I was walking to my train, and in the center of the station were a bride and groom posing for photographs. I ran up behind them, jumped up in the air and waved my arms.”
“Were they furious?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he laughed. “I got out of there, fast.”
And that’s, fortunately, where my son and I differ. I would have gotten caught.
Little Pleasures
In Humor on September 8, 2013 at 12:22 am“What are you making?” my husband asked hopefully from the family room. I was in the kitchen and he and our son were sprawled on sofas watching football on TV.
“I’m not making anything,” I responded. “I’m filling our new canisters with flour and sugar. I’ve finally found canisters that are the same size. For some inexplicable reason, when you buy a set of four canisters, there’s only one big one and you have to decide whether to use it for the flour or the sugar. Then you have a half bag of flour or sugar left over and nowhere to put it. This is so exciting!”
“Wow,” said my husband. “It doesn’t take much to make you happy.”
“It’s not just that I can fit all of the sugar and flour into them. They’re also the coolest canisters I’ve ever seen.”
“Uh huh,” my husband responded, clearly losing interest.
I lifted the filled containers and carried them into the family room.
My husband looked up. “Wow, they are cool.”
“And you laughed at me when I called them that,” I said.
“I was picturing something else. But, you’re right; they’re great. How can you tell which is the sugar and which is the flour, though?”
“Well, I’m going to look through the glass. But you can feel free to label them,” I said. I didn’t get a response. My husband was back to watching football.
I thought about his question as I returned to the kitchen. Maybe labeling them was a good idea. Flour and sugar do look a lot alike at first glance.
I opened the junk drawer to find a Sharpie. I don’t want flour in my cereal tomorrow.
Me, Myself and I
In Humor, Religion on August 23, 2013 at 5:06 pmBusy, self-important people often say, “If I want something done right, I have to do it myself.” This belief, in turn, keeps them even more busy — which is why they also say, “There aren’t enough hours in the day.”
The answer to their plight might, at first, appear to be cloning. Or, that thing that Hermione did in one of the Harry Potter books. She cast a spell on herself which allowed her to be in two places at once. It didn’t work out that well for her, however. She got confused, and more importantly, she confused the hell out of her friends.
What is my point, you ask? My point is that those people with their delusional opinions of themselves have three choices: they can either get over themselves, become hospitalized for exhaustion, or locate their alter egos and have them help out.
Not long ago, I discovered one of life’s truths. Since there is nothing new under the sun, this truth has, no doubt, been previously discovered. But it’s never come up in any conversations that I’ve had, so I’m taking credit.
At the time of my revelation, my sister and I were having a conversation about sunflowers. She said that they were her favorite flowers. I told her that they were mine, too. Then she said that she and I had a lot in common; we even have the same voice. (Years ago, a complete stranger who was walking ahead of her on a street in downtown Columbus, Ohio, heard her laugh. He turned around and asked if she was Patsy Bahner [my maiden name]. He had heard me on the radio, but he had never met me.)
As soon as my sister said that we had a lot in common, I automatically responded, “That’s because you’re a continuation of me. Just like I’m a continuation of Mom.”
We both pondered my declaration for a second, and then pronounced me brilliant. (Well, one of us did.) Then we drank more wine.
I’m naming my new belief Co-Creationism. Here’s how it works: we all have God-only-knows-how-many alter egos strolling the Earth. Some of our egos are becoming better souls, some of them are muddling along not accomplishing much spiritually, and some are on that proverbial Highway to Hell (see: Book of Proverbs). When our many souls eventually merge together for an appearance at The Great Reckoning, each of us will be hoping that the color of our final soul is on the whitish end of the white-black spectrum.
This new (to me) belief should appeal to forward-thinking trend setters. It won’t be long until Hollywood types start wearing (or “rocking” as they say) my Co-Creationism toe rings (color of rings to be determined).
All of this deep thinking has exhausted me. I think I’ll have one of my alter egos take a nap.
Organic Growth
In Humor, key words, keywords, WordPress on August 21, 2013 at 11:17 pmWordPress just awarded me a virtual trophy for my virtual trophy case. The trophy case exists at WordPress offices, which are virtually located somewhere in cyberspace (“cyber” meaning “virtual”).
My trophy was for getting 50 people to follow my blog (I am extremely grateful to all of my blog subscribers. Thank you!). It took me four years, and my blog’s growth was mostly organic.
Some people get 50 followers on their fourth day. But, they are either famous, have a lot of relatives, or get “Freshly Pressed” by WordPress. Blog posts that are Freshly Pressed are featured by WordPress on their Freshly Pressed page. WordPress bloggers and readers flock to this page, to find good-quality writing on numerous topics. Being Freshly Pressed is a sure-fire way to attract readers. Otherwise, your blog is just one of trillions of blogs, all badly key-worded,* and destined for the slush pile of blogs sitting on a virtual desk somewhere.
As I said earlier, my blog’s growth has been mostly organic, which means “grown with products only found in nature” — which, in my case means “via word of mouth, or accidental.” Like organic gardening, you have to have faith that your garden (blog) won’t be eaten by slugs (ignored) and will eventually produce an edible (wildly popular) commodity. The only fertilizer you can use is natural. I am full of natural fertilizer and I sprinkle it freely on my posts, so that isn’t the problem.
Time is the problem. It takes too long to grow things organically. I’m about ready to haul out the big guns: chemicals (curse/sex words). I’m pretty sure that curses and sex words are looked up more often than “humorous essay about my dog.” Using profane keywords should get me more readers, but is it worth cheapening my blog, just to get people to read my posts?
Hmmmm. I don’t ******* know. Maybe, just once.
*People who are looking for something specific online will Google specific keywords (i.e., chicken recipes; how to build a brick wall; pictures of hot women/guys; etc.) So, it’s very important to use commonly searched words in your post or in your tags (words from your post that you choose to label your post with). It’s not an exact science. Thousands of people use the same word combinations, so, if you don’t use the right keywords or keyword combinations, and if you’re writing about a topic that many others are writing about, when someone searches for your topic, your blog may appear as entry 10,000 in a keyword search, on page 928. People pay a lot of money to come up with keywords and keyword phrases that will get them to the first or second spot on the first page of a search. Most people never click to the second page (let alone page 928) when searching for information. Keywords matter, sometimes more than content.
A Tough Opponent
In Humor on August 18, 2013 at 11:44 pmA Facebook, and real-life, friend of mine posted advice about compassion (see below) to her Wall. It’s credited to Andrea Heiland.
My personal battle is with Wealth. And, my opponent is a coward. Every time I advance, Wealth retreats, just out of my reach.
Thank God that Health is on my side. Health keeps me in the battle.
I’m thinking of staging an I-no-longer-care-about-Wealth offensive, which might cause my opponent to let down his guard.
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