Patsy Porco

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe, Melpomene, Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, Urania … and Nora?

In Books, Humor, Writing on August 13, 2013 at 11:39 pm

I just finished a book, Murder Me Now, by Annette Meyers, about a bohemian flapper poet/detective, Olivia Brown. When Olivia isn’t detecting (or drinking gin in Greenwich Village speak-easies), she composes poems which she later recites to her adoring fans. And her fans are legion. People stop her on the street, halt their conversations on trains, and line up for hours outside a venue at which she is scheduled to appear, just to hear her recite her work.

Between you and me, I find it hard to believe that poetry was ever that esteemed, even a century ago. Poetry confuses me. But, I don’t think most poets know what they’re writing about anyway, so I’ve never worried about my lack of insight into a poem’s meaning.

Olivia, however, is no regular poet/detective. She has a muse, whom she creatively calls “Muse.” When she feels a poem upon her, she only has to sit at her desk and ask Muse for inspiration. Nine times out of ten, Muse puts all of the poem’s words into Olivia’s head, in sonnet form. All that Olivia has to do is type.

I’m no stranger to muses. I’ve been known to ask deceased writers to a-muse me. Sometimes you’ll hear a person say that a living person is his muse, but the person talking is usually a man who has designs on the woman he calls his muse. As soon as their relationship fizzles out, he’s on to another muse.

I prefer a muse who is dead. You don’t have to meet for coffee or buy thank-you presents for spirit muses. If I could find a muse who would write my blog posts for me, instead of just inspiring me, that would be another plus in the muse’s favor.

My favorite form of writing is the humorous essay. When Erma Bombeck died, on my birthday, I took it as a sign that she was to be my muse. I asked her to inspire me and, for a while there, I thought she did. But I get the feeling that she didn’t find me funny enough to bother with, so she moved on.

I think that either David Sedaris or Dave Barry would be a perfect fit as my muse, but they’re still alive, which rules them out … for now. In the meantime, the search continues, but I think I’m getting close to finding myself a muse.

It’s said that everything happens for a reason, so when my friend recently loaned me her copy of a Nora Ephron book of essays, I Feel Bad About My Neck, I took note. When I started reading, I had a eureka moment: “Eureka! I have found her!” I know, like I’ve never known anything before, that I would very much like Nora Ephron to be my muse. I would welcome her inspiration. I would really welcome her actually writing my blog posts, but I’ll work up to that request.

In the meantime, I have to get Nora to agree to take me on, which might be too much to ask of her. In fact, she’s probably appalled that I’m asking her to muse me at all — especially since I am incorrectly using the word “muse” as a verb meaning “inspire.”

In Nora’s lifetime, she was a talented, sophisticated, intelligent, witty, sardonic, and hilarious writer who was widely admired. Why would she lower herself to muse me?

The answer is: because I’m alive and she’s not. I can keep her voice alive during the rest of my lifetime. That reason alone might sway her. After all,  even though she died, I’m certain that she still has lots to say.

What do you say, Nora?

Who’s To Say?

In Humor on August 3, 2013 at 1:41 pm

Back when I was young and idealistic, I tried to do the occasional good. (I wasn’t fanatically idealistic.)

For a few years, I worked in radio and, once a week, I would go to a makeshift studio in downtown Columbus, Ohio, and read the day’s newspaper to the blind listening audience. Some of them knew of me from listening to WCOL-AM, where I cohosted a middle-of-the-night call-in talk show on Saturday nights. I also manned the control board from Sunday through Thursday. In truth, that shift wasn’t an on-air one. I was supposed to air talk-radio programs and live sporting events. After those ended, the station aired syndicated programming.

But, in the middle of the night, my bosses weren’t listening, so sometimes I would play music and chatter on-air. I had a small following of a handful of people who would call off-air and keep me awake through the long night.

I also brought a pillow and an alarm clock, for nights when I chose to actually do my job as prescribed. On those occasions, I would sleep on the floor behind the board while the automated shows and commercials played. My alarm clock would get me up to play the news at the top of the hour. Then, I’d go back to sleep, unless I felt like doing a live music show.

So, to return to my original topic: I would read to the blind once a week. A few dozen people each volunteered one day a week. We worked in pairs, and read the daily newspaper until we finished it. It was a small operation and I’m not really sure how our audience heard us. I think they had special receivers.

When I moved to Manhattan, I signed up to read to the blind, but this time, it was competitive. I was only able to get fill-in shifts because of the demand for shifts by aspiring actors. They were cutthroat about getting on-air time, so I quickly lost interest in the cause.

My sister’s boyfriend accused me of only doing it so that I could say that I did. Was he right? Maybe. It was an interesting thing to bring up when talking to people I knew, or strangers on the bus. They always looked very impressed at how altruistic I was. So, maybe I wasn’t so altruistic, after all.

Now that I’m older and less idealistic, I know that I sometimes do things for a self-serving reason, even if I’m not aware of it. So, if you’re my friend, you should know that I’ve always wanted a full church at my funeral Mass. If my death precedes yours, I would appreciate your attendance. That’s not the only reason I’m your friend, but it’s one of them.

I’m just kidding. Or am I serious? Who’s to say? I surely don’t know.

Don’t Try This at Home … Unless You’re on a Sitcom

In Humor on July 29, 2013 at 10:31 pm

I just watched a show where the main characters went to an elegant party. Two of them got blindingly drunk. One kissed the host and passed out on top of him. The other spent the evening knocking things out of people’s hands. The sober character felt insulted by something the host said, so she stole an expensive bowl in retribution.

The next day, they thought the whole evening was a riot. If they were living in real life, they would also be laughing … in prison or rehab. Civilized people don’t find drunks or thieves amusing, unless they’re actors in a ridiculous situation on a TV show. Life would be more entertaining if it imitated sitcoms, but it rarely does.

To prevent against your life imitating art (or sitcoms), you’d probably be better off watching violent movies than TV comedies. You’re less likely to find yourself being pursued by bloodthirsty foreign assassins than finding yourself at a party where opportunities abound to drink heavily, steal bowls, and pass out on your host.

It’s your call. Life’s a gamble. But it’s definitely not a sitcom. Just ask my probation officer.

A Survey, Poll, or Whatever You Want to Call It

In Humor on July 27, 2013 at 6:10 pm

Our family has several major life-decisions weighing heavily on our minds. Instead of making Pro/Con lists, or figuring out solutions, I’ve been spending a lot of time wondering about the meaning of the sayings, “He can’t see the forest for the trees,” and “She can’t see the trees for the forest.”

Does the first mean that the man can’t see the big picture because he’s all wrapped up in the details?

Does the second mean that the woman can’t see the details because she’s consumed by the big picture?

I’ve written before about my not knowing things that other people know. I blamed it on my learning curve, which is either high or low, depending on what those terms mean: https://patsyporco.wordpress.com/2011/08/26/im-going-to-kill-a-mockingbird/

Of one thing I’m sure: the chicken came before the egg. God created animals in animal form. However, maybe God never created a chicken. Perhaps two different species of birds mated, the female laid an egg, and out popped the first chicken. In that case, the egg would have come first.

My brain hurts.

The Next Best Thing

In Humor on July 24, 2013 at 12:31 am

When I was a kid, and eavesdropping on adult conversations, whenever a new invention or product–anything from felt-tip pens to birth control pills–was discussed, an adult never failed to pipe up, “It’s the next best thing to sliced bread.” Then my father or some other man–never a woman–would say, “Build a better mousetrap and the world will come aknocking.” I’m not sure that the word that was used was actually “aknocking,” but that’s how I remember it.

I was thinking about that today as I cleaned my entire bathroom with disinfecting wipes. They are a brilliant invention and make a mockery of other cleaning products. A mockery, I say. I still squirt toilet cleaner into my toilet because I don’t want to stick my hand in there with a wipe, but other than toilet cleaner, I don’t need anything else besides wipes. They’re the next best thing to sliced bread, I suppose.

I’m not really sure about the accuracy of my comparison, however, because by the time I was born, sliced bread was readily available and not much on the minds of people who bought their bread at the Acme. It was always called “the” Acme by everyone I knew except for my grandfather, Popeye, who called it “the Ac-a-me.”

I can appreciate the invention of sliced bread, though. Before then, it must have been a hassle to have to cut up every loaf of bread you ever bought.  It was probably also a messy job, what with crumbs flying everywhere.

The crumbs would explain the worldwide desire for a better mousetrap. Now I understand the rush to invent the best one, and why all of humanity was lined up and ready to come aknocking.

Quick Thought

In Humor on July 4, 2013 at 12:01 pm

I just started a job at a business-to-business marketing company. Naturally I immediately thought of Hamlet.

If he worked there, do you think his quote would have been: “To Be or Not to B-to-B”?

A Taxing Situation

In Humor on June 30, 2013 at 9:24 pm

Tax season is thankfully over for most of us this year, but it’s never too early to plan for next year.

I just learned today, from a CPA,  that if you find a dollar in the street, you are supposed to report it on your taxes. He also cautioned that if I were to kidnap someone and collect ransom, then I was obligated to report the ransom as income.

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t call it “ransom” on my taxes; that would land the FBI on my doorstep faster than I could spell FBI. I’d probably list my ill-gotten gains under “services,” like prostitutes do—the honest ones, anyway.

This tax service is provided for free. I just wanted to make that clear in case the NSA gets wind of my blog.

Overheard

In Humor on June 21, 2013 at 7:07 pm

The woman’s boss stopped by her desk and said, “I just wanted to tell you that you’re an excellent problem solver.”

The woman looked up at him. “All women are excellent problem solvers.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t limit the talent to women,” her boss replied, laughing. “I know many men who are also great at finding ways around obstacles.”

“Those men,” the woman replied, “were women in a previous life.”

The boss looked puzzled, then laughed again. “That explains a lot, actually,” he said, shaking his head and walking away.

The woman nodded. “I thought it would.”

Not-So-Good Housekeeping

In Humor on June 16, 2013 at 2:59 pm

I love when we have guests; it forces me to clean the rooms that they’ll be in. The rest of the house, however, gets neglected. I guess our next party will have to take place in our bedrooms.

Bouncing Babies

In Babysitting, Humor on June 14, 2013 at 6:27 pm

As I helplessly watched the baby roll off of her changing table and head toward the floor, I had a flashback to a similar incident that happened 36 years ago.

Last week, Maggie, the baby I watch twice a week, decided to roll over when I was two steps away from her.  She was lying on her table and I told her to stay still. She understands words, even though she can’t speak many yet. She usually listens. However, this time, I turned to grab a diaper from her diaper bag, and when I looked back, she was on her way to the floor. I could see her horrified expression, which probably mirrored my own. I ran to get her and was only able to catch her head. I think I remember some twisting and contortion of the rest of her body, but I was focused on saving her head. After a lot of frightened crying, she finally calmed down. It wasn’t until I tried to stand her up that I realized that one of her feet was hurt.

When her mother got home, she took the accident in stride, telling me that Maggie once flipped off the narrow end of the changing table and ended up in the laundry basket. The mother took Maggie to the doctor the next day for X-rays. The X-rays showed an intact foot, with no broken bones, but, a week later, Maggie is still refusing to stand on that foot, which means that she gets carried everywhere until she heals. I can’t complain, seeing as her injury happened on my watch.

The other incident took place in 1977 and involved an infant named Luke.  Luke’s parents lived in a modern, wooden, three-story A-frame house with balconies and backless staircases. I was 17, and this was my first babysitting job with them. It was Halloween weekend and when I arrived, Luke’s parents said that they were going to a costume party and would change into their costumes when they arrived at the party. The little boy, Luke, was a few months shy of a year old. He was totally bald, very pale, and in the crawling stage.

A few hours after his parents left, he fell down 20 backless steps into the basement level before I could get to him. I know this sounds negligent, but anyone with a crawling infant knows how fast they move. We had been in the little TV room and he quickly crawled out the door to the top of the steps and fell down them. I ran down the steps to get him, calmed him down, and called my mother. She told me not to let him go to sleep, in case he had a concussion.

I carried Luke back into the TV room and closed the door, to prevent any more escapes. Luke watched television while I watched him.

Suddenly, I heard a pounding on the TV room door. I opened it and saw Luke’s father covered in blood and holding a large knife. I screamed. He screamed.

“Why didn’t you answer the phone?” he asked, in a panic.

“I didn’t hear it ring,” I answered. “Are you okay? What happened to you?”

“Why didn’t you hear the phone? I called over and over,” he asked, ignoring my question. This was many decades before cell phones, and home phones were the only means of instant communication. Their downstairs phone was in the kitchen.

“The TV was on and the door was closed, ” I answered. “This room must become sound proof when the door is closed.”

“Oh,” the father said. “It does.” He visibly relaxed, but he was still spattered with blood.

“Why do you have blood all over you?” I asked. He seemed confused, then looked down at himself.

“This is my Halloween costume,” he said. “My wife and I got dressed when we got to the party,” he reminded me.

“Where is your wife?” I asked.

“She’s still at the party. She didn’t worry when you didn’t answer the phone. She said that you probably didn’t hear it if you were in the TV room.”

I looked at him, covered in blood, clutching a rubber knife, wearing a bandanna and an eye patch. “You’re a pirate, ” I realized belatedly.

“Yes,” he said. He looked down on the floor next to the couch, where Luke was asleep on a blanket. “What’re those marks on his head?” he asked, alarm returning to his voice.

“Oh my God,” I said. During the time that I was talking to Luke’s father, large black and blue bumps had appeared on his bald head. “That just happened,” I said. “He fell down the steps an hour ago, but he didn’t have any bruises until now.”

“He fell down the steps?” he asked in amazement. “I’m going to pick up my wife and we’ll be right back. Stay in this room and close the door. I won’t call.” He made a dash for the front door.

When he and his wife returned, the wife was very calm. “Don’t worry about it, Patsy,” she said. “He moves very fast and he’s fallen before. Bruises on his bald head usually look worse than they are. I’ll keep an eye on him tonight and take him to the doctor tomorrow if he looks worse.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank you so much.”

She laughed. “I hear that my husband scared you out of your wits when you saw him.” I nodded. “You should go home and relax,” she said.

“Thanks, I will,” I said. “And I’m sorry about what happened to Luke.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said.

After I was paid for endangering the life of their child, I gathered up my belongings and started toward the door.

“Wait,” the mother called out.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Are you available next Saturday night?”

“Sure,” I said.

Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha

Musings and books from a grunty overthinker

The World Through My Glasses

Travel | Food | Photography

Alison Williams Writing

MAKE YOUR BOOK THE BEST IT CAN BE

Writing Slices

Reading the Books that Teach You to Write

Gabriele Romano

Personal Blog

Chuck Smith: Author, Blogger, Rambler

Truths, Half-Truths, and Lies

Little Fears

Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes

Pauls Pages Too

Extra Content from PaulsPages.com

Crazartt

Good things are going to happen@Mehakkhorana

Gareth Roberts

Unorthodox Marketing & Strategy

meganelizabethmorales

MANNERS MAKETH MAN, LOST BOYS FAN & PERPETAUL CREATIVITY.

Beautiful Life with Cancer

Discovering the Gift

A Wifes Reality

The things women don't and won't say about their past and present, true story.

Jamaica Homes

Jamaica Homes: Find Your Dream Property in Jamaica. Search Homes for Sale & Rent.

A Voice for Them

Love | Empathize | Care

My Blog

A fine WordPress.com site

Wonderful Cinema

Short reviews on high quality films. No spoilers.

this is... The Neighborhood

the Story within the Story

Playing Your Hand Right

Showing America how to Live

100 Shoes Blog

Style | Travel | Genuine Living

Chicks With Ticks

Our mission at Chicks with Ticks is to enlighten and empower those who work or play in the great outdoors by providing a source for information, inspiration, and practical help on how to enjoy, enhance, and survive any outdoor adventure.

mbove

Nice Golf Corpse Mysteries

So Far From Heaven

Too many reincarnations in a single lifetime to trust this one.

The Collected Wisdom OF Godfrey

He Was An Odd Young Man WHo DIsliked Beets

Harmony Books & Films, LLC

Tired of being ordinary, then here are some tips for becoming extraordinary.

Sally and David's amazing adventures

Tales of two (almost) virgin travellers

JANNAT007

Watch Your Thoughts; They Become Words

Aunt Beulah

living well to age well

The Bloggess

Like Mother Teresa, only better.

psychologistmimi

Food, Road Trips & Notes from the Non-Profit Underground

Dispatches from the Asylum

“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams

ChompChomp

Food and Travel

I.A.

Cooking and More

Tripambitions

It contains the world best places and things.

Conundrum.

Dabbles in writing, loves music and nature. Sierra Leonean

Amber & Corde

A journey of expanding my dog's world

Frank Solanki

If you want to be a hero well just follow me