When God was handing out the analytical/logical part of the brain, I think I was off gabbing with a moron. Since I missed out on that part of the brain, I got the moron’s.

I cannot think logically, analytically, or mathematically. I often fall asleep trying to do math problems — like, if Movie Star X was born in 1964, how much older is he than Movie Star Y, who is 26? I then spend my dream running from Movie Star Y, who wants to kill me, while Movie Star X is somehow my son.

Things that are simple for other people are complex for me. For instance, I recently decided to arm-knit an eternity scarf. I saw a young woman wearing a pink one and I had to have it. Rather than tear it off her neck, I asked her where she got it. When she told me that her friend arm-knitted it, I wasn’t deterred, even though I had no idea what arm knitting was. I googled arm knitting and found a video that guaranteed that I could make an eternity scarf, using just yarn and my arms, in 30 minutes.

So, I bought the super chunky, size 6 yarn and turned on the YouTube video that had step-by-step instructions, with some of them in slow motion. I tried to follow the host’s every move, but I never got past the first step. Every time the woman said, “And this is how the yarn should look in your hand now,” I looked at her hand and then at my hand and then pressed “rewind.”  After one hour, I was still on step 1, which was making a slip knot. By this point, I was supposed to have one scarf completely finished and another started.

Meanwhile, I had mounds of yarn all over my desk and the floor and nothing near a real stitch on my arm. Finally, I had a Eureka moment. The woman was facing me, so I should be doing everything that she was doing backwards. I immediately turned around, so that she and I were facing in the same direction. The problem with this was that I now had my back to the computer screen and had to twist my neck to see her, which meant I couldn’t see what my hands and arms were doing, which was nothing.

Then I decided to watch the video in a mirror. But the portable mirror I found wasn’t big enough to show the whole computer screen at a reasonable distance (I didn’t want to be watching the video from next door), and I couldn’t locate a table high enough for me to put the computer on so I could see into the bathroom mirror.

I’ve decided to put this project aside until I can find someone who can follow directions and who will agree to help me make my scarf.

In the meantime, I think I’ll talk to a moron. I’ve already got a mirror.