Patsy Porco

Posts Tagged ‘husbands’

Peanuts and Concrete

In Humor on June 23, 2017 at 6:07 pm

whiskey barrelOne of the whiskey barrels on our deck had rotted and was falling apart. No, there wasn’t whiskey spilling out all over the deck. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be complaining, which is what I’m about to be doing.

What was spilling out between the rotten wooden planks was dirt … and Styrofoam peanuts. Hundreds, if not thousands of Styrofoam peanuts. Maybe millions. At least it seemed like millions to me while I separated the peanuts from the dirt they were embedded in.

I went inside the house for a break, and to malign the former owners of our home.

“You know those whiskey barrels on the deck?” I asked my husband.

“You mean the half-barrels?” he responded.

“Yes, whatever,” I said. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“You’re the one who’s always correcting people about the proper use of words and grammar,” he said.

I sighed. “You’re right. Okay, yes, the half-barrels.”

“What about them?”

“Well,” I said, “The one closest to the grill was falling apart, so I took out the slats and removed the metal rings around the barrel. Guess what was inside?”

“Styrofoam peanuts,” he said.

“How did you know that?” I asked, flabbergasted.

He looked at me in the way that signifies he’s going to leave the room and end the conversation. I grabbed his arm to make him stay.

“Let go of my arm!” he said.

“Not until you answer me,” I said.

“I saw some peanuts lying around the half-whiskey barrel.”

“Didn’t you wonder where they came from” I asked, as I released his arm.

“No.”

I breathed deeply. “Well, the former owners of our house filled the bottom of the barrel — do not correct me and say half-barrel or I’ll kill you — with those damn peanuts instead of dirt or rocks. Then they threw in a bunch of wood to take up even more space before they added dirt. Now we’ve got mounds of dirt, peanuts, and wood on the deck that I have to clean up.”

“Nobody told you to take it apart.”

“It was an eyesore!” I kind of yelled.

“Are you asking for help?” my husband asked.

“No, I’m not,” I said. “I’m just letting off steam. Can you even believe that they took that shortcut, without thinking of the mess they were leaving us?”

“They probably weren’t thinking of future owners of their house when they did it,” he said. “Those half-barrels have been here for the 11 years we’ve lived here and probably for many years before then.”

“Don’t take up for those inconsiderate jerks,” I said. “We never would have done such a thing.”

“Sure we would have,” he said. “In fact, we did.”

“When?” I spluttered.

“When the former owners of our last house left piles of broken concrete next to the garage and, right after we moved in, you had me dig a giant hole in the backyard and bury the concrete.”

“That was different,” I said.

“How, exactly?”

“We had to bury it. The dump wouldn’t accept it and Norwalk forbids putting building materials in the trash.”

“But we still left a hole filled with concrete for the new owners. If they ever decide to plant something in that exact spot, they’re going to be very angry,” he said.

I thought about that for a minute.

“I’m going back outside,” I said. “The next time I want to complain, I’m going to tell someone else.”

“Oh, please don’t,” he said.

He didn’t sound very sincere.

peanuts

Addendum: After this was published, my friend, Christine, an environmentalist and gardener extraordinaire, posted an explanation on my Facebook wall (where this story also appeared) for the use of peanuts and wood in planters. It turns out that the former owners of our house weren’t inconsiderate jerks after all. Only we were.

Christine’s Comments: Uses for Foam Packing Peanuts: Check out #10: “Pour peanuts into a large pot and add soil to boost drainage and make it easier to move.”

Use of Wood: It’s permaculture practice to bury old pieces of wood because they absorb water and, as they compost, they release lots of good stuff into the soil. I don’t do the peanuts but I do bury lots of wood and it works wonderfully. I don’t have to water as often. When I read your story, permaculture was the first thing I thought of. That and the fact that I’ve found several pits of buried concrete in the yard usually just where I want to plant a tree!

Holiday Activities

In Humor on December 29, 2016 at 6:29 pm

My husband just came home from work. I met him at the door and asked him what he wanted for dinner, and if he wanted to go out tonight.

He answered, “I just got home. Let me decompose for a minute.”

“Decompose?” I asked. “Don’t you mean decompress?”

He took off his coat and hung it up. “No,” he responded.

I put on my coat and went out to buy some air freshener.

 

Who’s The Brat?

In Humor on July 25, 2015 at 2:33 pm

When my younger brother, Gus, was in second grade, his teacher gave his class an assignment to write about their families. Gus’s essay went something like this: “Patsy is a brat. Rick is a brat. Monica is a brat. Peter is a brat. Veronica is a brat.” I don’t think he mentioned Victoria since she was still an infant and hadn’t had a chance to annoy him yet. His teacher read the essay and wrote across the top, “Who’s the brat?” My parents thought that this was the funniest thing ever, and “Who’s the brat?” became a saying in our family.

Tonight, my husband and I went to the Mets game, as guests of his friend, Don, and his wife, Annie. I had met Don before and liked him a lot. I had never met Annie. This was my first time at Citi Field and I was very excited to be there. It was a perfect evening for a ballgame, balmy and warm. When we arrived, I sat next to Annie, who sat next to Don, who sat next to my husband.

Don and my husband, who hadn’t seen each other for awhile, had a lot of catching up to do, so while they talked, Annie and I got to know each other. My husband and Don had a marvelous time reminiscing about what must have been hilarious things. Annie and I, however, had a harder time of it. It seemed to me that she took offense at everything I said. I spent a lot of time explaining that she had misunderstood me, and apologizing.

Halfway through the game, Don and Annie said they were going to visit their good friends, who were also at the game. They said they wouldn’t be long. As soon as they left, my husband asked me how I like Annie.

“Well,” I said, “she’s difficult to get along with. I tried so hard to be pleasant, but she kept misinterpreting everything I said and taking offense.”

“What did she misinterpret?” my husband asked.

“For instance,” I said, “When she told me that she was an actor, I asked if I might have seen her on TV. She said that she had recently been on episodes of ‘Blue Bloods’ and ‘The Black List.’ I told her that we were huge fans of ‘The Black List’ and never missed an episode, so we must have seen her.”

“Oh wow,” said my husband. “What was her role?”

“She said that she had played a waitress. And she said that, between takes, she spent a lot of time in her trailer. I asked her if she shared her trailer with other actors.”

“And?” my husband asked.

“Well, for some reason, my question annoyed her.” I said. “She gave me an irritated look and said that no, she had her own trailer. So I asked why someone who probably appeared in the episode for 30 seconds got her own trailer. She got really frustrated then.”

“You said what?” my husband asked.

“I was honestly curious,” I responded. “But then she turned her head and started ignoring me.”

“She ignored you?”

Uh huh,” I said, “So I explained that I thought only the stars got their own trailers. She finally turned around and said, very snippily, that all of the principals in a show got trailers. So I asked her how an actress who played a waitress could be considered a principal.”

My husband stared at me. “What did she say?”

“She got really huffy at this point,” I said. “She said that to get the role, they auditioned at least 50 people, and that I wasn’t understanding that her role was important to the show, which made her a principal, as opposed to an extra. That comment ticked me off because I had told her earlier that I had registered with Central Casting to be an extra. She stressed that she had never worked as an extra.”

“Yes,” said my husband, “But you’ve never actually been called by any casting director to be in a show, so I don’t think she was comparing herself to you.”

“Oh,” I said. “I think she was.”

“But you’re not an actor, and she is,” he said, rather unreasonably.

“We’re getting off-point here,” I said.

“So what is the point?” he asked.

“The point is that I apologized profusely and told her that I was in awe of her, which I wasn’t, but I said it just to be nice.”

“Uh huh,” he said. “Then what happened?”

“Well, after I told her that I admired her, she said, ‘Good.’ And then she and Don went off to meet their friends. When they get back, I’m going to try to overlook anything negative she might say.”

“That she might say?” my husband asked. He stared out at the field and looked like he saw something amusing.

Shortly after our conversation about Annie’s prickliness, Don returned. He was on the other side of my husband and they immediately started talking again. I tried to catch Don’s eye, but he never looked my way. Annie never came back. I suppose she was uncomfortable about how she treated me.

I think we all know who the brat was in this situation.

Best Husband Ever

In Humor on March 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

The following conversation really happened. Before writing about it, I stopped to put on some makeup.

Me: I’m going out to the store. Do I look okay to go out, without any makeup on?

Husband: You look fine.

Me: Really?

Husband: Yes. Just don’t look anyone in the face.

State of the Marriage Address

In Humor on September 11, 2014 at 1:08 pm

I walked into my kitchen and my husband was sitting at the table, drinking coffee, and complaining about me to former-president Bill Clinton. Bill was empathizing with my husband, and adding his own complaints about his wife.

“This has to be a dream,” I thought. “This can’t be happening.” But I wasn’t sure, because my dream life is often remarkably similar to my awake life.

Either way, something had to be done, so I put in a call to Hillary and told her what was going on. She was not pleased.

She and I are getting together next week to complain about our husbands. It did turn out to be a dream, after all, so scheduling our meeting is going to be a little tricky, but nothing a former-Secretary of State’s assistant can’t handle.

Shop ’til You Drop, from Hunger or Anger

In Humor on October 13, 2012 at 12:32 am

We’ve all heard that you shouldn’t grocery shop when you’re hungry. And yet, we’ve all shopped when we were hungry, and wound up with a cart full of cookies, chips, and SpaghettiOs. Recently, I learned of another shopping caveat: Don’t shop when you’re angry.

A friend of mine, Debbie, related a story about an argument that she and her husband had which led her to aberrant shopping behavior. In her husband’s defense, I have to say that he is the most laid-back person I’ve ever met. In Debbie’s defense, I must say that she is not laid-back at all. Here is her story, verbatim, or as close to verbatim as I can remember.

“You won’t believe what happened last night! Mark worked from home yesterday and I had the day off, so we were together all day. I told Mark that I was going to clean the refrigerator and then go food shopping. So, I cleaned out the fridge and took a nap. When I woke up, I got a phone call. While I was talking, I put some tuna in a cut-up tomato on a plate and surrounded it with crackers, and gave it to Mark. After I got off the phone, Mark flipped out. ‘How can you call this five-minute meal a dinner?’ he asked. I told him that I didn’t consider it anymore than a snack. Up to now, Friday dinners were always delivered by a local pizza place. The tuna in a tomato was just something to tide him over until I got us all something to eat.

I immediately headed out to the store, but I was angry. First of all, in over 30 years of marriage, my husband had raised his voice about five times, and this time was ridiculous. It’s not like I had starved him. I gave him something to eat, and it was probably a heck of a lot better than some of the meals that I had cooked.

In my anger, I bought everything. I resolved to cook wonderful dinners this week, or warm up really expensive frozen meals. And only the best would do. $22 ham? Check. $20 olive oil for salads? $20 frozen gourmet pasta meals? Check. Check. You get the idea. However, when I got to the register and my total was $246.21, which didn’t include any expensive paper products or cleaning supplies, I have to admit that I was surprised. But I didn’t care. I was still angry. Then my phone rang. It was my husband, apologizing for being a jerk. My heart melted. I told him that it was okay and that I understood that he was under a lot of stress and took it out on me.

After I hung up, I still had a $246.21 tab to pay, and I paid it. Thank God that I took my wrath out on food. We’ll eat it all eventually. I might have to borrow somebody’s freezer, though. At least I didn’t retaliate by buying shoes. They don’t hold up well in freezers.”

Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha

Musings and books from a grunty overthinker

The World Through My Glasses

Travel | Food | Photography

Alison Williams Writing

MAKE YOUR BOOK THE BEST IT CAN BE

Writing Slices

Reading the Books that Teach You to Write

Gabriele Romano

Personal Blog

Chuck Smith: Author, Blogger, Rambler

Truths, Half-Truths, and Lies

Little Fears

Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes

Pauls Pages Too

Extra Content from PaulsPages.com

Crazartt

Good things are going to happen@Mehakkhorana

Gareth Roberts

Unorthodox Marketing & Strategy

meganelizabethmorales

MANNERS MAKETH MAN, LOST BOYS FAN & PERPETAUL CREATIVITY.

Beautiful Life with Cancer

Discovering the Gift

A Wifes Reality

The things women don't and won't say about their past and present, true story.

Jamaica Homes

Jamaica Homes: Find Your Dream Property in Jamaica. Search Homes for Sale & Rent.

A Voice for Them

Love | Empathize | Care

My Blog

A fine WordPress.com site

Wonderful Cinema

Short reviews on high quality films. No spoilers.

this is... The Neighborhood

the Story within the Story

Playing Your Hand Right

Showing America how to Live

100 Shoes Blog

Style | Travel | Genuine Living

Chicks With Ticks

Our mission at Chicks with Ticks is to enlighten and empower those who work or play in the great outdoors by providing a source for information, inspiration, and practical help on how to enjoy, enhance, and survive any outdoor adventure.

mbove

Nice Golf Corpse Mysteries

So Far From Heaven

Too many reincarnations in a single lifetime to trust this one.

The Collected Wisdom OF Godfrey

He Was An Odd Young Man WHo DIsliked Beets

Harmony Books & Films, LLC

Tired of being ordinary, then here are some tips for becoming extraordinary.

Sally and David's amazing adventures

Tales of two (almost) virgin travellers

JANNAT007

Watch Your Thoughts; They Become Words

Aunt Beulah

living well to age well

The Bloggess

Like Mother Teresa, only better.

psychologistmimi

Food, Road Trips & Notes from the Non-Profit Underground

Dispatches from the Asylum

“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams

ChompChomp

Food and Travel

I.A.

Cooking and More

Tripambitions

It contains the world best places and things.

Conundrum.

Dabbles in writing, loves music and nature. Sierra Leonean

Amber & Corde

A journey of expanding my dog's world

Frank Solanki

If you want to be a hero well just follow me