Patsy Porco

Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

Walk 10,000 Steps Without Moving Your Feet

In Humor on March 12, 2022 at 11:24 pm

I like to think I’m a rule follower. I’m not, but I like to think that.

I generally do what I’m supposed to do … but usually at the very last minute or by cutting corners. I think it was Duke Ellington who said something like, “If it weren’t for deadlines, I’d get nothing done.” Deadlines guide my life, as well.

In college, all-nighters were my go-to when I had a project due the next day. I often stayed up all night and raced the clock. I usually beat it with minutes to spare, sometimes not even minutes. I remember going to class in my pajamas with a long coat thrown over them, project in hand. The class was ending when I got there, but I was able to put my report on my professor’s desk as everyone was filing out of the classroom.

Another time, I took two classes simultaneously. This was before computers (early 1980s) logged all classes being taken and by whom. At the time, we filled out paper requests for classes. I requested one that met on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Then, after the semester started, I manually added a class that met on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I alternated which class I’d attend on Fridays. I was very fortunate that neither class ever had tests on Fridays.

At my last job, my bosses didn’t especially care when I did my day’s work, as long as it was finished by the time they got to the office the next day at 9 a.m. I worked from home so, needless to say, I started work around midnight and hit “send” on my last assignment around 8:55 a.m. Then I’d go to bed for the day. If I had a daytime telephone meeting, I’d set an alarm and take the meeting from under my covers. There was no reason for me to work in the middle of the night, except for the fact that I could.

The other day I learned of an effort-saving hack that, as the English say, gobsmacked me. I don’t usually use English sayings, to avoid sounding affected, but gobsmacked is the perfect word to describe my reaction.

I belong to an online crocheting group. I’m not a good crocheter by any means, but that doesn’t stop me. Just ask my siblings, who have been the recipients of many really big, oddly shaped afghans.

Anyway, someone in the group commented that she had been crocheting for hours while sitting on her couch. She glanced at her Fitbit and found that it had registered 2,000 steps. After her post, the comments came rolling in. One woman had purportedly walked 5,000 steps while crocheting. Another never moved off her sofa for 12 hours and had logged 10,000 steps. Talk about shortcuts. You can now sit still for hours, just moving your wrists, and walk miles. If you’re tracking your steps to improve your health, however, you will probably choose not to boost your step count with a crochet hook. However, if you have a company or a busybody that logs your steps, you just might think about taking up crocheting. Or even knitting. That probably works, too.

I sometimes wonder if I’m going to make it to Heaven with all of my conniving. Then I decide that I definitely will since I haven’t done anything especially evil. After all, Jesus said there are many mansions in Heaven. I suspect that mine is going to be in a bad neighborhood on the wrong side of the railroad tracks. But, at least it’ll be a mansion.

Hopefully, it won’t be condemned.

Merry Christmas Season

In Christmas, Humor, Religion on December 28, 2016 at 11:09 pm

This was originally published in December 2015. If you didn’t read it a year ago, then, as NBC used to say about its reruns, “It’s new to you!”

As our pastor, Rev. Michael Boccaccio, points out every year, “Christmas is not a day, it’s a season.” The Christmas season traditionally starts on Christmas Day and ends on the Feast of the Epiphany (or Little Christmas in some parts of the world), which is on January 6, the day the Wise Men showed up at the stable in Bethlehem.

Partridge in a Pear TreeFather Boccaccio told us that, in the Catholic Church, the Christmas season officially draws to a close on the day that Jesus was baptized. That date varies from year to year, and can extend to January 15 or so. He insists that no Christmas trees or decorations can be taken down until that day. He threatens to make surprise visits to our homes to check that our decorations are still up after January 1, but we all know that he won’t visit, just like he knows that our trees and holly will be long gone before the middle of January.

But back to the Epiphany and the Wise Men: I’ve always had a problem with that story. Mary and Joseph were on their way from Nazareth to Bethlehem to register for Emperor Augustus’ mandatory census when Jesus was born. Penalties for disobeying the emperor were undoubtedly stiff back then, so I imagine Joseph bundled Mary and Jesus up shortly after Jesus’ birth and hustled them out of the stable and off to the census bureau.

I don’t see them staying in a stable for 12 days. And even if the landlord did let them linger awhile, it probably took those Wise Men from the general area known as “the East” longer than 12 days to get there. They were following a star, and stars are only visible at night, so they would have had to have taken the days off to wait for nightfall … and to shop for gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

nativity_Depending on how far east they were, it could have taken them months, or years. But, if they were only a few miles east, they could have made it in time, star notwithstanding. However, nobody knows where they started from. I’ve heard stories that they showed up at Mary and Joseph’s house when Jesus was a toddler. Then again, the accepted story is that they were definitely at the stable at the same time that Jesus and His parents were.

This reminds me of David Sedaris’ story about the six to eight black men who accompany Santa on his rounds in Holland. Sedaris wondered why no one had gotten an accurate count over several centuries. I personally wonder why the whole Wise Men story is so vague, when the other details of Jesus’ birth were documented so clearly. A visiting priest to our parish complicated the story further by saying that there was no mention of three Wise Men in the Bible; only three gifts were noted. That means that any number of Wise Men could have been there bearing three gifts. Or maybe only the three best gifts were recorded, and the Diaper Genie and bottle sterilizer were left out.

Here’s another question I have: Why is the revised end of the Christmas season on the day of Jesus’ baptism — which occurred 30 years or so after His birth? I suppose the Church is playing it safe using that date, since The Wise Men had to have arrived within three decades.

However, if we use that logic, Father Boccaccio will make us keep our trees up year-round.

Wise Men

 

Welcome to My Mansion

In Humor, Religion on July 30, 2016 at 12:09 am

Before I go and insult an entire religion and the opposite of an entire religion, let me first say that some of the finest people I know are, or probably are, Jews and Atheists. I said “probably,” because I have met many people over my lifetime, so by the law of averages, some would have to be Jewish and some would have to be Atheists. The others would have to be other religions. I don’t generally meet someone and ask his or her religion (at least not since I moved from the Midwest), so if you’re not my friend or a member of my church, I probably don’t know what faith you are or aren’t. However, it is likely that I know your ethnic background; that’s what interests people in the Northeast U.S.

But, I’m getting off-course here. What I am trying to say is that there are good people of all religions and non-religions. I do have friends and relatives who are Jewish. I also have friends and relatives who are Atheists. However, they’re probably really Agnostics, because if God were to suddenly appear in the passenger seats of their cars, they’d probably yell, “Oh my God,” and mean it, and then crash into a tree.

Before I crash into a tree with this blog post, I will get back on track. It’s just that I needed to use a lot of words to reassure everyone that I have nothing against Jews and Atheists. Well, except for one thing.

That one thing is: They’re complacent about their belief that this is it. They have no problem believing that their existence in this world is the beginning, the middle, and the end of them. As my close friend, Boz, who’s Jewish, said, “I’m fine with believing there’s no afterlife. It’s less complicated this way.”*

Well, I have a problem with this kind of thinking. What about payback? I want people who’ve done me wrong to pay. As I’ve aged and gained wisdom from Facebook memes, Nike ads, and church–where we’re reminded to love everyone, forgive everyone, and turn the other cheek (which cheek wasn’t specified), I’ve gotten better at not holding a grudge.

This is mainly because my memory is horrible and I can’t remember if I was offended or by whom. But if I do remember, I try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. And then, if I still think that the person was wrong, crass, insulting, offensive, or jerk-like, I think, “He’ll get his” or “She’ll get hers.” I need to believe that someone up there is keeping track of every infraction against me. I try not to think about the list with my name at the top, however.

I also need to believe that my good deeds are being recorded, as well. My hope is that they’ll outnumber my negative actions and that I’ll have a surplus to spend in Heaven. Jesus said that there were many mansions in Heaven.** I want to have enough celestial credit to buy a fabulous oceanfront mansion, on the right side of the Pearly Gate … but not too close to the entrance. I imagine it gets noisy over there.

Because I know that there is an afterlife, I also know that I’ll see everyone again, even if it’s going to come as a surprise to my Jewish and Atheist friends. They probably thought they’d seen the last of me.

Mansion

*****************************

*I have a Jewish friend who said that her rabbi teaches that there is an afterlife. So, some Jewish people do believe that there’s more to come.

**Some experts interpret the word for “mansions” as “rooms.” I prefer the “mansions” translation. I do not want to spend my credit on a room.

 

Merry Christmas Season

In Christmas, Christmas Season, Humor on December 29, 2015 at 4:36 pm

As our pastor, Rev. Michael Boccaccio, points out every year, “Christmas is not a day, it’s a season.” The Christmas season traditionally starts on Christmas Day and ends on the Feast of the Epiphany (or Little Christmas in some parts of the world), which falls on January 6, the day the Wise Men showed up at the stable in Bethlehem.

Partridge in a Pear TreeA song was even written to commemorate “The 12 Days of Christmas.” For the life of me, I can’t figure out if you’re not supposed to count Christmas Day as one of the 12 days, or the Epiphany. If you count them both, then you have the 13 days of Christmas, which is just wrong.

Father Boccaccio told us that the Christmas season has been extended in the Catholic Church and it now officially draws to a close on the day that Jesus was baptized. That date varies from year to year, and can extend to January 15 or so. He insists that no Christmas trees or decorations can be taken down until that day. He threatens to make surprise visits to our homes to check that our decorations are still up after January 1, but we all know that he won’t visit, just like he knows that our trees will be long gone before the middle of January.

Now, let’s return to the Epiphany and those Wise Men. I’ve always had a problem with that story. Mary and Joseph were on their way from Nazareth to Bethlehem to register for Emperor Augustus’ mandatory census when Jesus was born. Penalties for disobeying the emperor were undoubtedly stiff back then, so I imagine Joseph bundled Mary and Jesus up shortly after Jesus’ birth and hustled them out of the stable and off to the census bureau.

I don’t see them staying in a stable for 12 days. And even if the landlord did let them linger awhile, it probably took those Wise Men from the general area known as “the East” longer than 12 days to get there. They were following a star, and stars are only visible at night, so they would have had to take the days off to wait for nightfall … and to shop for gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

nativity_Depending on how far east they were, it could have taken them months, or years. But, if they were only a few miles east, they could have made it in time, star notwithstanding. However, nobody knows where they started from. I’ve heard stories that they showed up at Mary and Joseph’s house when Jesus was a toddler. Then again, the accepted story is that they were definitely at the stable at the same time that Jesus and His parents were.

This reminds me of David Sedaris’ story about the six to eight black men who accompany Santa on his rounds in Europe. He wondered why no one had gotten an accurate count over several centuries.* I personally wonder why the whole Wise Men story is so vague, when the other details of Jesus’ birth were documented so clearly. A visiting priest to our parish complicated the story further by saying that there was no mention of three Wise Men in the Bible; only three gifts were noted. That means that any number of Wise Men could have been there bearing three gifts. Or maybe only the three best gifts were mentioned and the Diaper Genie and bottle sterilizer were left out.

Here’s another question: Did the Wise Men reach the stable during the 12 days of Christmas? And why is the revised end of the Christmas season on the day of Jesus’ baptism — which occurred 30 years or so after His birth? The wise men had to have arrived by then, so I suppose that’s a safe date to use.

Using that logic, however, we should never be allowed to take down our trees.

Wise Men

*http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/sedaris/

 

A Sucky Day for Atheists

In Catholics, Humor, Religion on May 23, 2013 at 9:35 am

Pope Francis announced yesterday that everyone who does good on Earth will be redeemed by Jesus—and that includes atheists. http://uk.news.yahoo.com/atheists-good-good-pope-francis-says-162106426.html

Imagine spending your whole life denying the existence of God and then being saved by Him after you die. How annoying must that be?

It’s sort of like saying that you positively, absolutely don’t want anyone to acknowledge your 40th birthday, and someone throws you a surprise party anyway, and you have a great time. Damn, life sucks.

I Owe You What?

In Catholics, Humor, Religion on March 26, 2013 at 4:34 pm

Catholics often equate their burdens with Jesus’ carrying of his cross. We all know that anything we’re suffering can’t compare with His suffering, but we still call long-term physical or emotional struggles “our crosses to bear.”

I was recently talking to an older woman about her depression and the cause of it. Neither one of us had a solution, so I lamely suggested that she should consider the problem as a cross she had to bear.

She responded that she had lived a long life, and had borne many, many crosses. “When I get to Heaven, after I pay God what I owe him, I’m going to expect change.”

I hope God has a cash box.

 

 

Lysol and Holy Water

In Humor on February 16, 2013 at 12:28 am

I know it’s not popular to believe in evil spirits, but I do. I just think it’s strange that, back in Jesus’ day, he and his apostles spent a good amount of time casting out evil spirits. Once the demon spirits were expelled, the cured people were good as new.

So, why would evil spirits just suddenly go away? In my opinion, they didn’t. They just went out of fashion. When society stopped believing in them, they didn’t close up shop. They were busier than ever but, once they became passé, they were able to operate under the radar, ignored and blameless. Now, when people were evil or acted crazy, they were labeled as “unstable”—instead of as “possessed.” I imagine that when the demons were given their free pass, they had a hell of a party.

This all relates, of course, to my recent outing on eBay. All winter long, I had been looking for a nice pair of black leather riding boots with a small stacked heel. Because I only shop at Marshalls and TJ Maxx—along with the rest of humanity—pickings were scarce. Either the heels were sky-high or the prices were, which was surprising considering where I was shopping.

By February, I still didn’t have a pair of black boots, so I decided to risk catching plantar warts and buy a gently used pair on eBay. I figured my chances of contracting warts were slim if I sprayed the inside of the boots with Lysol. Anyway, I found the boots I was looking for, won the bidding war, and paid considerably less (including shipping) than I would have at my usual hunting grounds. Once I paid for them, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to take a look at handbags.

Four successful auctions later, I was the proud owner of one new evening bag and three previously owned leather purses.  I got excellent deals on the bags (including shipping); however, I still wasn’t shocked at my husband’s vehement (read “loud”) request that I “get off eBay right now.”

I always confess everything to my husband. Even if I plan in advance to go overboard with whatever I’m doing, I also know that I’m going to tell him what I did, to relieve my guilt. Knowing about my future confession keeps me in check. Kind of.

I told one of my sisters about my purchases and she said, “Ewwww. How can you wear boots, or carry a bag that was owned by someone else?”

“I’m going to wipe down the boots and bags with Lysol wipes and spray their insides with Lysol spray. They’ll be germ-free once I’m done,” I said.

“But they could have bad juju,” she said.

“Juju”? I asked.

“You know, evil spirits or bad auras, or something.”

“Huh,” I said. That was a new one. “Well then, once I clean them, I’ll sprinkle everything,  inside and out, with holy water.”

“That might work,” she said. “Hey!” she added, “I think you just invented the next generation of cleaners—ones that get rid of germs and bad juju.”

“Wow,” I said. “You might be right. But, we’ll need to find a new word for juju.”

“Why?” she asked. “Nobody believes in evil spirits, but juju is a commonly accepted thing.”

I can’t help but wonder what kind of people she hangs out with.

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