Patsy Porco

Posts Tagged ‘Metro North’

The Harlem Serpentine

In Humor, New York City on May 19, 2016 at 4:41 am

My cousin, Melon, recently assured me that Harlem is perfectly safe and not at all like it used to be, when it was dangerous. I was impressed with Melon’s knowledge about Harlem, since she lives in a Washington, D.C. suburb. But, in her defense, her daughter attends an excellent college not far from Harlem, so Melon has probably driven through the neighborhood.

Melon has not, however, stood on the corner of 125th Street and Lexington Avenue for half an hour, looking like a lost tourist, like I did this evening. Due to a fire on the Metro North train tracks in Harlem yesterday, the train schedules are in disarray. If you are lucky enough to be on the platform when the rare train arrives, and are able to spot an opening in the aisle where you can forcefully cram your body and belongings, you’ll be rewarded by standing for an hour, shoulder to nearest body part of your neighbor, while rocking to the gentle rhythm of the train and trying not to fall into the lap of the nearest seated passenger.

This morning, my husband kindly offered to take me away from all of that by driving me from Connecticut to the Bronx, where I could catch the #6 train to Grand Central Terminal. I agreed to his plan, and my morning commute was very pleasant. He also offered to pick me up after work at the same place where he dropped me off. However, later in the day my husband had to go to Queens, so he suggested that I take the subway to Harlem and he’d swing by on his way back.

We agreed to meet at 125th Street and Lexington Avenue at 7 p.m., right outside the subway exit. I got there 15 minutes early, while he got caught in traffic, due to the mess that was created by the fire on 118th Street. Every ten minutes, he called to say he’d be there in ten minutes. I received at least three of those calls.

Intellectually, I knew that my cousin, Melon, was right. Harlem had undergone a gentrification over recent years, and people were rarely murdered there anymore. Even President Clinton rents office space there now, which could lead one to infer that he feels comfortable and safe in Harlem, or he was paid to work there to promote the neighborhood and his bodyguards are former Navy Seals.

In truth, as I waited, I really was never afraid. It was still daylight, and while the intersection I was in was not even mildly touched by gentrification, there were plenty of people around — people who would deny seeing anything even if I were clubbed over the head in front of them. But there were also lots of respectable people coming home from work, and bus drivers standing on each corner awaiting the arrival of their busses, so I tried to ignore the clots of dissolute loiterers lounging against the rails of the subway steps, jabbering senselessly on the street corners, and skulking in the shop doorways, all while sizing me up with side glances.

Each time my husband called and said he’d be there in ten minutes, I would immediately dash into a store for five minutes. But then I’d panic that he’d get there early, so I’d run back to my corner. The traffic at that intersection is non-stop and if I weren’t on the correct side of the street when he pulled up, he’d have to keep driving, without me. Therefore, being in the correct place at the exact time he arrived was crucial.

So, while, as I said, I wasn’t fearful, I also wasn’t carefree. As I waited, I instinctively started meandering side to side, and around in circles. I did it slowly, so as not to attract attention. I probably did attract some notice, but I didn’t want to check, in case I made eye contact with someone. I didn’t realize at first why I was zig-zagging. Then, it came to me: I was following Peter Falk’s instructions to Alan Arkin, in The In-Laws, regarding how to walk (“Serpentine, Shel!”) in order to avoid being shot. I didn’t really expect to be shot, but I thought a handbag-grab wasn’t out of the question.

Eventually, my husband showed up at the intersection, I got in the car with my handbag, and he said, “Now, isn’t this much better than being on a Metro North train that is delayed 60 to 90 minutes?”

“Why, yes,” I said. “It is. Thank you so much for doing this for me.” He did have good intentions, after all, and he went to a lot of trouble getting me to and from work, and I was grateful for that. Then wasn’t the time to complain. There would be plenty of time later.

Besides, I suddenly had a craving for fruit. “Would you mind pulling over near that cart?” I asked, pointing to a fruit wagon on Lexington Avenue. “I would love to get my hands on a melon.”

 

Random Acts of Crazy

In Humor on May 16, 2011 at 10:20 am

It started out as a typical morning. I got onto a packed Metro North train heading to Grand Central Station. As I stood in the aisle looking for an available seat, I spied one right in front of me in the five-seater. Five seaters are tricky because they’re composed of a three-seater facing a two-seater. There’s no way that five people with legs can sit together in this configuration. The most that can fit in a five-seater are four people and that’s if one person has his or her legs in the aisle, or over his or her head.

I was fortunate; the three-seater held one man, who was sitting in the aisle seat, and a woman who  sat across from him in the two-seater. I asked them both, “May I sit with you?”  The woman smiled assent. The man–a nice looking guy in his forties wearing a suit (I’m supplying these details to impart his normal appearance)–looked at me and said in a surprised tone, “Of course! I’ve been waiting for you!” I responded happily, “I was really hoping I’d run into you today.” He laughed because, of course, we had never seen each other before that moment. Then I climbed over him, sat by the window in the three-seater and promptly fell asleep.

As the train pulled into the station, I yawned, stretched my arms and said, “Good morning!” The woman across from me had changed. Not magically, though. The original one had gotten off and another had taken her place while I slept. She smiled at me like I was dangerous. The man, however, said, “Oh, are you still here?” I laughed and started to stand up. He got up and asked if I’d like his Wall Street Journal. It seemed like he wanted to give me something, and that was all he had to offer. I hesitated, so he assured me that he had another one at his office. I felt like I’d offend him if I said no, so I thanked him and took it. Then he said, “It was nice seeing you again. Next time, I’ll cover your ticket.” I told him that wasn’t necessary since I had a monthly pass. He looked disappointed but then he perked up and said, “I’d give you a hug but a pen exploded in my hand and I’d be afraid to touch your white jacket.” Then he showed me his ink-stained fingers. I was at a loss. I apologized for not having packed an ink remover in anticipation of this event. He shrugged and said he’d take care of it later and that I should have a great day. Then he left.

The whole episode was incrediby odd but hilarious. I felt happy for hours because every time I thought of his pretending we were old friends, I’d burst out laughing. I don’t even know if I’d recognize him if we ever ran into each other again, which I hope we don’t. We had our moment. Now it’s my turn to amuse a fellow traveler. With any luck I’ll choose someone who appreciates my overly familiar overture and not someone who shrinks back in alarm and rings for the conductor.

 

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Twilight…Zone

In Humor on May 8, 2010 at 12:56 pm

It is officially hot. I know this because my wicker desk smells like cat urine. I bought the desk several years ago at a thrift shop and I cleaned it and de-cat-haired it, but the smell lingers on. The odor only appears when it’s hot outside. Since I wait all year for the warm months, I welcome the smell as a harbinger of nice weather. This might sound odd, but odd is the new black for my family, especially for my husband, Frank. He must exude pheromones that attract weird people and strange circumstances. Frank takes the train into Manhattan most afternoons for work. Since he comes home on the 12:30 a.m. or 1:30 a.m. train, he encounters his share of drunks, especially on weekends. One night, he was sitting on the train and a young woman sat next to him. He was eating a pretzel that he had just bought and the woman asked him if she could have the bag that the pretzel came in. He handed it to her and she vomited in it. Then she asked him if he wanted it back.

Another time, in the dead of winter, he was in an over-heated car full of drunken concert-goers on their way home. The drunks were hooting and hollering, the car was stiflingly hot, and a woman got on with a tiny little dog. Once the woman was seated, she released the dog from his leash so that he could run up and down the aisle. Not only did he run, but he marked his territory throughout the hot car. Meanwhile, oblivious to the smell, the heat, the dog’s antics, and everyone around them, a young couple was coupling in the front seat.

 The best story  involved Eartha Kitt. Frank saw her get on the train, so he approached her and said, “We have something in common, Ms. Kitt…our birthday!” She stared at him, snapped, “Shut up, you damn fool,” and strode away. For some reason, Frank thought this was hilarious. Okay, I do, too. Must be the cat urine.

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