Patsy Porco

Posts Tagged ‘science’

What a Pickle

In Food, Humor, Pickles, Religion, Science on March 18, 2013 at 8:14 pm

 

Pickled by Patsy Porco 001

I don’t believe everything I hear, even if what I hear has been proven by science, or is generally accepted by deep thinkers.

For example, I don’t care if every doctor, nurse, and health professional in the world say that you can’t catch a cold by sitting around in soaking wet clothes after getting caught in a downpour. They can talk and talk about how it’s impossible to catch a cold by simply being chilled and wet, and I will refuse to believe them. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve had it happen. And a lot of parents will back me up. In private, though. They don’t want to look stubborn and foolish.

I also get annoyed every time I hear, “There are no accidents.” If that’s true, then every stupid mistake I have made was on purpose—or for some higher cause. We’ve all heard stories about a person who shut his hand in a car door, went to the ER, and discovered that his hand was fine but that he had a tumor the size of an adult human head in his stomach, which was then removed in the nick of time. Therefore, the universe caused him to slam the car door on his hand in order for doctors to discover a giant protuberance in his gut. Up until then, everyone had just thought he was fat.

I have to admit that I lean more toward believing metaphysical truths that can’t be proven than scientific facts that have been proven. So, whenever I am involved in an accident, I stop and wonder why it happened.

Today, for instance, I was carrying several flimsy plastic supermarket bags full of groceries on one arm, while closing the car door with the other. The bag containing a giant glass jar of dill pickles broke, and the jar smashed on the road. Pickles and glass were everywhere. This was clearly an accident. While cleaning up the mess, I cut my finger on a piece of glass. That made two accidents. Then my husband came out to help, and he cut his finger. That made three accidents.

If “there are no accidents,” then I was supposed to drop those pickles, and we were supposed to cut our fingers. Maybe the pickles were poisoned; it is possible to get very sick, or die (I’ve heard), from improperly pickled pickles. Or maybe the universe was objecting to my not using cloth grocery bags. Okay, I could accept either of those reasons.

But why did we have to cut our fingers? To make a blood oath? That was the explanation that I settled on. My husband settled on ignoring me. That made four accidents.

Remembered Wisdom

In Fathers, Parents on January 12, 2012 at 11:46 pm

My father died 22 years ago but a day doesn’t pass that I don’t think of him. Especially in December, the month he was born and the month he died.

Like everyone, my father was a complex person. As his eldest daughter, I loved him unconditionally. Even when I was old enough to realize he wasn’t perfect, my admiration for his integrity, intelligence, faith in God, and sense of humor never wavered. He used to say he was “a student of human nature.” As a teenager, I would roll my eyes and wonder what exactly that meant. It wasn’t until I was older that I understood that he was able to predict, fairly accurately, how a person would react in a given situation, because he not only watched people but he mentally catalogued their behaviors. He also read biographies and history constantly. I can still see him sitting at the end of our long dining room table, reading glasses halfway down his nose, poring over the pages of a book that was resting on a darkly stained book stand that he had built. Presentation was important to him. Whether it was a book, a gift, a meal, or a drink, it had to be presented in its best light.

One evening, he asked me to mix him a drink. I picked up the Bacardi bottle and tipped it toward his glass.  The look of horror that crossed his face stopped me cold. What was I thinking? I hurriedly put the bottle down and scrambled to find the jigger. He removed his glasses, closed his book, and shook his head. I knew a lecture was coming. I was beginning to regret agreeing to make his drink. His generation took drink-making seriously. They had recipe books, all kinds of bar tools, flasks, a zillion different-sized glasses, and full bars. Bartending was an art. And the mixing of drinks was a science. As I said, what was I thinking?

He took a deep breath as I first washed out his glass, filled it with ice from the ice crusher, measured out an ounce and a half of rum, poured it and Coke over the ice,  and squeezed an eighth of a lime into the glass. I stirred the liquids with a swizzle stick, dropped a fresh lime slice into the drink , and placed the glass on the coaster in front of him. “Sorry about pouring free-hand,” I said, hoping to nip any commentary in the bud. No such luck.

“Patrish,” he said solemly, yet with a gleam of humor in his eyes, “Always remember that a society cannot be civilized without these three things: a police department, an educational system, and the shot glass.” I nodded in agreement; I had learned from experience that lectures end faster if you agree with whatever you’re being told. Privately, I thought his statement was hilarious. Now, years later, I see the wisdom in it. People must be educated, rules must be made, and somebody has to enforce them. And anything worth doing–even making a drink–is worth doing well.

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