Patsy Porco

Posts Tagged ‘Twilight’

Life Was So Simple Before SEO

In Humor, Publishing, Self-Published Books, SEO, Website on November 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

The concept was simple: I would start a website of self-published books, make a ton of money, and retire on a hot beach somewhere far away. I would schedule regular visits to see my husband, son, and dog. Life would be perfect. My plans changed, however, once I actually started the site, www.spbroundup.com. Who knew that it would be such a huge undertaking? I guess many of you knew that, but I didn’t. I mean I have a full-time job and my spare time is filled with watching the Twilight Saga movies,  re-reading the four books, and stalking Robert Pattinson, so when was I supposed to build this site? It turns out that the middle of the night was available, but working then sure cuts into my sleep.

The site is now a month-and-a-half old and it’s growing steadily. I think it fills a need, too, so interest in it should grow as its existence becomes known. Self-published authors seem to love the idea. I even enjoy editing their content and posting their jacket covers. What is proving to be vexing is SEO. Those three letters have turned my hobby into a continuing struggle. SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization and it is king when it comes to having people visit your site. It involves begging everyone you know to link to your site from their sites, and finding the perfect keywords so that when people search for what you’re offering, they’ll get to you. As everyone who has ever used a search engine knows, when you get the results of your search, you rarely look past the first two or three results. So, if you have a website, you need to get your site ranked high, high, high up on the list. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time. There’s so much to learn about how to accomplish this, which is what I didn’t count on. I guess I’m going to have to give up my job as well as sleep, because I’m not giving up Edward and Bella. In fact, last night I saw Breaking Dawn, Part 1 twice, back-to-back. Then I had to stay up all night to think up keywords to improve my web-page ranking. All the words that came to mind were vampire-related. Fortunately, some of the books on my site are also vampire-related. Sometimes things just work out.

Check out what indie authors have to offer at www.spbroundup.com.

New Moon is the Best Moon

In Humor on November 30, 2009 at 2:54 pm

A week before the opening of New Moon (the second installment in the Twilight saga), I hosted (if I do say so myself) a fabulous Twilight party. What made it so great were the guests and the decorations. The guests’ ages were wildly varied: I had a group of twenty-something women from work (the glampires); a group of women in their thirties, forties and fifties; and my 8- and 9-year-old nieces. The glampires were given the job of creating the desserts, and they spared no effort or imagination. Molly filled oral syringes with black cherry jello and vodka for the ultimate vampire jello shots; Nikki baked a red velvet cake with raspberry jam oozing out of two fang bites in the cream cheese frosting; Heidi made blood-spattered red velvet cookies; and Liana made brownies with red sprinkles, and every brownie had a photo from the Twilight movies attached to a toothpick and inserted into the brownies. But the young women weren’t the only creative ones; my good friend—who must remain nameless due to her “shyness”—made sugar cookies from scratch and wrote “Bite Me” in icing on every single cookie.

The night before the party, Molly, and my incredibly creative and hard-working sister-in-law, Donna, helped me decorate the house. Molly had culled ideas from Twilight Internet sites and we put together quite a display (feel free to check out the photos on my Facebook page: Patsy Bahner Porco). Once we had finished, we watched the Twilight movie. Only I had seen it before (18 times, to be exact). Molly, being a recent college grad, made a drinking game out of it: every time Bella bit her lip, we took a drink. We ran out of beer before Bella ran out of lip.

The party itself was a tribute to my guests. They all mingled and participated in the scavenger hunt and the trivia game (although half of Team Jacob kept disappearing during the trivia contest). Neither team won—each team knew the answer to every question they were asked— but that was good because that way, everyone got a prize. I had stocked up on Twilight pins, stickers, bookmarks and Native American beaded rings.

The funniest part of the evening happened twice. Two relatives, Victoria and Michele, arrived about an hour after the party had started. In the interim, one group of women had congregated in the living room to talk and another group had migrated to the back of the house, into the family room, to watch Twilight. I was in the front of the house, when Victoria came up to me and whispered that there was “a whole roomful of women in the family room, staring into space.”  Then she asked if I knew that they were there. She didn’t realize that they were watching the movie and only looked comatose. The television wasn’t visible if you were looking into the room. Five minutes later, Michele ran up to me and expressed the same amazement. Every time I think of that, I laugh. How did they think those women got into the house without my noticing? All in all, it was a great time and I’m glad I had the party since the Twilight books and movie have given me great joy over the past year. I never stop reading those four books. Once I finish one, I start another, and in no specific order. Sometimes, I just read the pages that I’ve turned down at the corners. They’re the romantic pages.

After the party, I looked forward to seeing New Moon, which was coming out the following weekend. I had already bought two tickets to the Saturday show because I thought I couldn’t face the mayhem of the Thursday midnight showing or even the Friday showings. So, on Thursday night, I was bathed and in my pajamas, when my husband asked why I wasn’t going to the midnight show. I didn’t have to work until noon on Friday, so he said I should go. I told him there was no way I could get a ticket two hours before the show. Well, there was a way he could get me a ticket, and he did. Our neighborhood multiplex has eight theaters and New Moon was being screened in most of them. So, Frank bought me a ticket online and even drove me to the show and picked me up at 2:30 a.m. He didn’t want me to have to deal with parking at midnight. What a guy. He really is my Edward, even though he hates when I say that. The movie was great, even though it was me and a bunch of high school girls. I got a kick out of the swooning and cheering when Jacob ripped off his shirt for the first (of many) times. The audience was keyed up before the lights went down, but once the show started, they were dead silent. They hung on every word and you could have heard that famous pin drop. I saw it again on the following Saturday, during the day, and the audience was much less appreciative. I don’t even know why some of those people were there, since they mocked certain scenes and jeered at the dialogue. From now on, I’m only going to Twilight movies where the audience is composed of other Twi-hards.

Thank you Stephenie Meyer and the entire cast for a truly great year. This is escapism at its pinnacle.

On Lint and New Moon

In Humor on October 14, 2009 at 9:08 pm

The other day, as I was driving and applying mascara, I heard a news report that an international airline is thinking about asking its passengers to use the bathroom before boarding their planes so that the passengers will weigh less when they’re onboard. That way, the planes will need to burn a lot less fuel, like 50 tons, or something like that. What I want to know is: what are their passengers eating? What I also want to know is how they’re going to enforce this rule? By passing out laxatives an hour prior to boarding? Will they have someone administering the laxatives and standing over you while you take yours? Remember this summer when Brazil told its citizens to urinate in the shower once a day to save water? I guess it’s safe to say the world is going down the toilet. I recently read that lint-clogged dryer vents present a fire hazard. So, today, as I was walking past the side of the house I normally avoid, I noticed that there was lint all over the window that has the dryer vent in it. So, I decided to wipe the window clean. Looking closer (always a mistake), I noticed the vent was clogged. So I cleaned that. I then thought I should go into the basement and take a look at the hose leading to the vent. Well, things went downhill from there… After moving both the washer and the dryer so I could access the back of the dryer, washing the floor under the washer and dryer, detaching the 127-foot hose from the dryer and the vent in the window, dragging the hose through the house to the side of the house I don’t avoid, squirting water from the garden hose throughout the twisted aluminum dryer hose (while the dog stood at the other end of the dryer hose drinking linty water), dragging it back through the house, and spending 45 minutes reattaching it at both ends (because it’s always easier to detach than attach), I’m thinking I might have to figure the odds of a fire before ever attempting to clean it again.What I want to know is how much of a fire hazard does a dirty vent present? And how long can one go without cleaning one’s vent without worry? And what is the percentage of dryer fires caused by clogged vents? I mean, come on, if I hadn’t read that article, I never would have known that dryer vents had to be cleaned. I’ve spent almost 50 years in the dark on this subject and I didn’t realize how happy I was. Speaking of happy….I found the coolest website. Did you ever have a great idea but didn’t want to go to the trouble of figuring out how to make a prototype of your invention, patent it, manufacture it, and then market it? Well, I did. In fact, I invent something about once an hour, but I was always hoping that I could find a company that would buy my ideas and take care of all of the mundane details. Well, I found the company! If you’re like me, and have more ideas than time, go to http://www.edisonnation.com. They run contests for companies (like Bed, Bath and Beyond; Staples; The Home Depot; and PetSmart) that are looking for the next new thing. It costs $25 (non-refundable) to enter an idea in a specific contest, but if your idea is accepted, they’ll pay you for the idea and give you a percentage of sales. How incredibly cool is that? That’s all for now. The UPS guy just dropped off my full-length hooded cape and body glitter. I wouldn’t think of attending opening weekend of New Moon without them.

How I Spent My Midlife Crisis

In Humor on September 2, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Men get the credit for having midlife crises, but women have them, too. Or, at least that’s what I’m telling myself, because I spent all summer reveling in mine. At first I didn’t know what was happening … and I didn’t care. If I was going crazy, well, it was a fun kind of crazy, so I went with it. It didn’t occur to me that I was having a midlife crisis until the cravings started … for a convertible. I was disappointed that I was going to have such a prosaic crisis: every middle-aged guy wants a convertible, coupled with a gorgeous younger woman in the passenger seat. I wanted the same thing, except for the fictional vampire sitting next to me, his mop of bronze-colored hair blowing in the wind as he drove. Of course he would be driving. He’s pushy that way, or at least he is in the Twilight books.

Every day of my summer was spent reading and re-reading those books and watching the movie over and over and over. When I got to my thirteenth viewing, my friend, John, said he was “concerned.” His criticism irked me, until he said that he was worried about the number thirteen and he urged me to watch the movie again, as quickly as possible. No problem agreeing to that.

My taste in music changed dramatically, too. I never used to listen to music on the radio; I only listened to talk radio. Now I was listening to current music and trying to convince my thirteen-year-old niece that Miley Cyrus was a really good singer.

Wine is also playing a rather significant role in my experience. I’m hoping that my husband doesn’t put the kibosh on this facet of my entertaining crisis, but if he does, then maybe I’ll be able to remember it. Win-win, I say.

Technology still befuddles me, but I’ve decided to confront it, rather than back away. My new BlackBerry has me flummoxed but instead of beating it to death with a hammer, I’m actually trying to figure it out. I may be figuring it out long after our contract with Verizon expires, but I’m determined to learn how to make a call on it. Then, someday, perhaps I’ll be able to answer a call or take a picture. But, I’m getting ahead of myself here. Baby steps.

My dreams have become very compelling. I can’t sleep enough these days, because the feature-length movies that play in my head are Oscar-worthy. Especially since I star in all of them.

One of the most promising aspects of my delusional state is that I’ve overcome my fear of starting something new. I want to start everything new. I’ve invented something that I’m sure will make me millions, I started a blog, I learned to kayak, and I plan to learn French and write The Great American Novel. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do all I want to do, especially since my dreams are always ready to screen, and the Twilight books are constantly singing their siren song.

Some things have fallen by the wayside at this point in my life, though. Cooking and cleaning just don’t hold any interest for me anymore. Last night, my husband asked what smelled so good. It turned out he was smelling the popcorn our son had burned earlier that day. We have an occasional housekeeper, now, to keep the dust down. It’s a major luxury and I don’t even mind that she steals. Considering what she has to do to put the house in order, I figure if she can find it, she can have it.

Sadly, fall is in the air, school is starting, and the nights are getting shorter. I sense that my delightful crisis might be coming to an end. So, I plan to get out there and enjoy the last days of this invigorating phase before it’s gone. Maybe it’ll come back again next year. One can only hope.

PATSY PORCO’S NEWSLETTER—FREE AND WORTH IT!!! 8-3-09

In Humor, Twilight on August 4, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Happy August Willing Subscribers!
 
As you may or may not know, I spent July, my favorite month, obsessed with all things related to the Twilight books and movie, including the 23-year-old actor, Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen. I’m just as obsessed with his costar, Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella Swan. You could have found me most days, sitting on the floor in the magazine section of Walgreen’s, combing through teen magazines and holding my breath until I got to the articles which would tell me if Kristen and Robert were still a real-life couple. I love them as a couple, both onscreen and off.
 
I also went to Boston with three Willing Subscribers, Karen, Veronica and Margaret. Between a cocktail party outside Shaw’s grocery store, a Duck Tour where I got to drive the boat on the Charles River (after first knocking down the little kids who wanted to drive), a Ghosts and Gravediggers bus tour where we were threatened with bodily harm by the ghoul conductor, and having a fabulous balloon hat made for me by a clown in Quincy Market, it was the best time ever.
 
And so went July.
 
August is a fresh new summer month, and I am determined to get a new hobby. So, I decided to write a best-selling, blockbuster, teen romance so that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can be cast together again, and I can appear with them on the MTV stage when we win all of the Golden Popcorn awards.  A reasonable goal, don’t you think?
 
That’s all for now. I’m exhausted. I inadvertently insulted a bunch of Canadians yesterday via email and trying to get them to forgive me has worn me out. 
 
Patsy
 
P.S. If you wish to Unsubscribe, I’d like to remind you that you can’t. It’s that simple.
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