via Daily Prompt: Partake

My father used to tell me, “When you have to make a decision, make it, and then do the exact opposite thing. Then, you will have made the right decision.”

I was annoyed when he said this, but looking back, I see there was wisdom in his words. I tend to being impulsive, so my immediate reactions and decisions should be put on a back burner for a few hours and allowed to simmer and reduce to a rational response. I don’t know why I used a cooking metaphor. I certainly don’t reduce sauces or do anything fancy in the kitchen. I have been watching “Worst Cooks in America” on the Food Network, so I suppose that’s where that came from. (Maybe I should simmer that metaphor.)

But back to me (my favorite topic). I made an executive decision this weekend. I was given the job to buy a joint gift for a coworker who is leaving the company I work for. I was told what to get, and I got something else.

I thought I’d be applauded for my hard work in finding the perfect present. Instead, I was told to return it and get the original gift. I could have saved an entire day of running all over Norwalk and Stamford, CT, (buying and returning and buying again until I found what I wanted) if I had followed directions. Now I have to return a piece of jewelry that I had haggled down to a great price. I’m going to have to wear a disguise when I return to the store.

While this was going on, a lot of money was temporarily withdrawn from my husband’s and my joint account in order to facilitate all of this buying. My husband later asked me why I was spending money like a meteor was about to strike Earth. I assured him that he’d see it again. I didn’t mention that I hoped that was true. High finance confuses me.

Following directions is also confusing to me. But I’ve learned my lesson.

Speaking of lessons learned, today is my birthday, a perfect day for taking inventory of things I’ve learned over my life. Feel free to partake of my wisdom.

1. Do not offer to buy a gift from a lot of people unless you’re going to follow directions.
2. Don’t take other people’s advice out of hand. They often change their minds after a few years … long after you’ve sold all of your gold jewelry to a shyster they recommended.
3. Don’t smoke weed (pot) while taking a bath. You’ll find yourself staring at the wall for a long time while figuring out how to get out of the tub. (I learned this lesson second-hand … or maybe first-hand. I forget.)
4. If you clean your house after a long period of not cleaning it, invite everyone you know over. Your house is clean, so it makes sense to do all of your entertaining at once. Then spend the season getting paid back with invitations from people you entertained. Or not. But at least you cleaned your house. Unfortunately, you now have to do it again.
5. If you take a staycation, have your house cleaned, your lawn mowed, and your laundry done before you start. Then you can enjoy it … or rent out your house and go somewhere fun.
6. When you start to lose your memory, write things down. And then put the list somewhere safe. You’ll never see it again.
7. Nobody can be unhappy while eating pizza. Before or after, yes. But not during.
8. Tights aren’t pants.